Two Dead Roses
by hergoldeneyes
Summary: He's fresh out of rehab, she's trying to forget her past. He's two weeks sober, she can't go a night without her razor blade. He leaves her pregnant, she doesn't know what to do. His name is Jasper, her name is Alice, and they could have been in love...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story was inspired by one of my one-shots, The Last Night. No, this is not a continuation or a "what would have happened." This is just something that came to my head when I was proofreading the latterly mentioned fic. Hope you guys like it.**

"Mandatory check-in," someone muttered behind me. "Ridiculous."

I turned around. I was sitting outside a rehabilitation center waiting for the bus when I saw him. He was handsome, with honey blond hair and crazed blue eyes—crazed yet kind. His button-down shirt matched them perfectly, and there were small dots on his arms that obviously came from needles.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stood up, pulled my sleeves down as far as they'd go, and walked up to him.

"Excuse me," I said, waving a hand to stop him, and trying to think of a way to explain why I was flagging down a stranger.

He stopped when he saw me. Once I was next to him, I couldn't help but notice how tall he was compared to me. I was at least a foot shorter, and—now that I saw him clearly—definitely a lot paler, though he wasn't exactly a suntanned guy either.

"Yes?" he asked, taking in all four feet, nine inches of me.

"Could you—erm—point me in the direction of the nearest library, please?" I said lamely. It wasn't exactly a lie. I hadn't been in New York very long, but I was perfectly capable of reading a map.

"Down this street, take a left," he said remotely. Stiff as a board he was. I didn't mind, though. I had a burning curiosity about him. I wanted to talk to him; I wanted to get to know him. I was never the sort of girl to just go for the cute guys, so there was obviously something else about this guy. Something… genuine.

"Thank you," I said.

"No problem," he responded, turning and heading in his own direction.

"Hey, wait!" I called, running up to him, being careful that my sleeves stayed where I wanted them to. I couldn't bear to see him go, for a reason unbeknownst to me. He turned around again, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes?" he asked.

"I didn't get your name," I said.

"I wouldn't see why you'd need it," he replied grimly.

"I like to—er—thank people who help me correctly," I lied. I hated talking to others; I wasn't going to stay around and find out their names every time they helped me out.

"Jasper," he said, holding out his large hand. I took it and gave it a firm shake. "Jasper Hale. And you?"

"Alice Brandon," I stated, wincing. I _really _needed a new last name.

"Something wrong, Miss Brandon?" he asked.

"Don't call me that," I said automatically. He raised his eyebrows in question. "No, I just meant—never mind. It's just, my name brings back bad memories."

"So should I call you something else? Lily, perhaps?" he asked, a smirk creeping into his voice. I had a strange feeling he hasn't felt exactly smug in a while.

"No, no," I said, shaking my head, looking at my feet. I felt like such an idiot. "It's just my last name."

"I don't see anything wrong with the name 'Brandon.'"

"Not exactly the name," I said, wonderingly idly why I was explaining this to him. "It's just…" I looked up at him. "It reminds me of my parents."

"And what?" he asked, a smile creeping across his face. I saw that he was almost having to force the smile to appear. I feared his skin would crack, like old tree bark that was being stretched or something. "You don't like them? They don't let you go out on school nights? Don't be in a rush to grow up. Thirteen's a young age to start hating on your parents. I'm surprised you're out this late."

"I'm not thirteen," I said indignantly. "I'm nineteen, thank you very much. Studying at New York Institute of Photography." So the last part wasn't exactly the truth. I hadn't started school yet, but I would be soon. I got in on a full scholarship—miracle—so I was, of course, stressing.

"Nineteen?" he asked, clearly amazed.

"I'm not that short," I said, smiling. I was half-afraid my skin would crack, too. It had been so long since I'd smiled.

"Well, Alice—you don't wince at Alice, do you?" he asked.

"Nope," I said, smiling wider. Immense happiness was swelling in me, and I wasn't even sure why. I mean, for heaven's sake, I'd just met this guy, and no one had made me even think about smiling in years. Suddenly, I thought the grey pants, grey shirt, and grey shoes were much too sullen. I wished the sky would lighten up a bit, too.

"Alright then," he said. "Well, Alice, would you like to come with me? There's a nice coffee shop just up the street. I'd love to keep talking to you. Unless, of course, you have any other commitments…"

"No, I'm free for the rest of the day," I answered. Hell, I was free for the rest of the century. I had no friends.

"Then you'll do me the honor of having you with me for the night?"

"Jasper, the pleasure's all mine."

And with that, we walked side by side down the street. I never really noticed it had started raining—to me, it seemed as though, after an entire lifetime of darkness, the entire world was bright with a light even the sun couldn't bring.

**A/N: Yes, it was short. It was a preface. It was supposed to be short. **

**Love it? Hate it? Oh, I hope you didn't hate it… Reviews are love; but you guys know that, I'm sure. **

**And since I'm greedy like that, no new chapter till I get at least ten reviews, mmk? **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow, you guys totally ate that last chapter up! It was posted at 2 am and I got online at eight… thirty or so, and it had nine reviews already. A while later it had ten! That's a big accomplishment for me XD Aha. Glad you guys liked it. Here is the first official chapter.**

I rolled over onto my side, keeping my eyes closed. It had to be at least noon. I'd been lying there too long.

It was the day before school started—the day before I had to start classes. I'd be studying mostly abstract photography, so it would be interesting, and definitely a way to keep my mind off things. It was the day before I'd have to move in with a person I didn't even know—the day before I started my first year of living in the same dorm with them.

It was also the day after I met the first person who was able to put a smile on my face and keep it there all night.

I smiled again, and it felt more natural than it had yesterday. We'd stayed out until dawn, and we were never bored. I had a feeling we both needed that. More questions were raised than answers were given, but that didn't really matter. We'd been happy—_I'd _been happy—and that alone was a miracle.

I finally opened my eyes and saw that it was barely nine in the morning. My attempt at sleep had failed miserably. I'd been lying there for three hours with my eyes closed, but no sleep. I got up and went to the corner where I'd dumped my single suitcase. I was going to need a job. A job meant money, and money meant clothes. And I really needed clothes.

My hands reached out in front of me and—since I was wearing a spaghetti strap lace top and shorts—I saw my arms clearly for the first time in the light.

My arms were scarred badly. The words "mess up," "accident," "hatred," and "I want to die" were written in large, blocky red letters surrounded by lines that each meant something different. There were so many, I forgot why I'd made half of them. There was a heart carved into both my wrists. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around me as I started to sob.

Most of the scars weren't recent. Some of them were from when I was eight years old; when I first picked up a razor blade. I'd gone over the same lines so many times that when they finally sort of healed, they'd left permanent marks. They were slowly becoming invisible, but I would always see them as I saw them that first night: Bleeding and filled with the hatred I felt toward my family, and the hatred they felt toward me.

My arms were the reason I never wore short sleeved shirts. I ran one hand through my spiky black hair and looked up. There was a mirror there. I saw myself reflected back at me—all four feet, ten inches of me. My green eyes were puffy from crying, and my arms looked like a blur of white and red.

At that moment, I stopped. I opened the small pocket on my suitcase and searched. When my fingers brushed against something sharp, I pulled it out.

I was holding my last razor blade.

When I'd first gotten to New York, I'd made a mental note to find more. I hadn't gone a day without my infamous distraction since I was fourteen. But last night… last night I hadn't thought about it for second. I didn't want to cut. I didn't see a reason to anymore. I was so happy…

I went to my window and opened it up. With a squeaky laugh and a few tears, I threw the blade down into the dark alley. I wouldn't need it anymore.

I closed the window again and laughed shakily. I hoped I'd be able to go without it. I didn't want to depend on it anymore. Every time I had a bad day—which was everyday as long as I was at home—I'd head for the dresser drawer to drive my pain away with more pain. I knew nothing good could come of it, but I'd needed it.

Not anymore I didn't.

I was staying at a ratty hotel, but they still had room service. I ordered coffee, and got dressed while I waited. When my order arrived, I filled a cup with coffee, downed it in a few seconds, drunk some water to kill the burn in my throat from having drunk it so fast, and slung my bag on my shoulder. I left the room, careful to lock the door behind me, and set out onto the streets.

Twice I missed my chance to cross the street. I was thinking too much—thinking about last night, about all the things we talked about. I wondered if he was thinking about me, too. I don't see why he would be. I didn't talk much. I wasn't eager to share my life story with him, but he told me his… some of it, anyway.

_"I saw you when you came out of the rehab place today," I said slowly, stirring sugar into my coffee. "Were you visiting someone?"_

_"No," he said, letting out a strained laugh as he put his drink down on the table in front of us. "They finally let me out."_

_"You were in rehab?" I asked, surprised. It was then that I noticed how tired he looked. There were deep bags under his bloodshot eyes and the needle marks on his arms looked permanent; the same way most of my cuts did._

_"I was," he said. "I was an addict. I can't say I'm fully cured. But, you know, I haven't thought about any of that since I saw you."_

_I smiled and, for what I was sure was the first time in my life, I blushed. _

_"See these?" he asked quietly, holding out his arm. I could tell it was difficult to talk about it. He pointed to the marks I'd noticed. "I would—um—inject cocaine into my system constantly. I'd buy it off the streets."_

_I stifled a mangled gasp and fought back the urge to hug him—which was strange, since I'd rarely even want to touch someone's hand._

_"Then there was the alcohol, the pills…" He sighed. "I'm not proud of it, but I needed it."_

_"Why?" I asked him. _

_"When my father died in the military, there was no one else for me to live for," he said. "My only brother committed suicide at sixteen. My mother died when I was young of cancer. I didn't have anyone to love, and no one to love me."_

_"You could've looked," I said, tears in my eyes. "You could've found someone—someone to love you."_

_He'd been looking at his feet the whole time, but now he looked up at me, and I saw his eyes glistening. He put his hand over mine and I couldn't help but notice that my heart skipped a beat._

_"I couldn't, Alice," he said. "I didn't want anyone else. I was too alone. I would've dragged down anyone I met. I couldn't do that, but I wasn't about to take my own life. Drug use just… numbed me."_

_"Wow," I whispered. I turned away from him, and I felt his fingers on my neck._

_"Where'd you get this bruise?" he asked, stroking the skin below my ear. "It's shaped like fingers. Turn your head this way."_

_I sighed and obeyed. He examined the other matching bruises I was surprised he could see them—they were almost the color of my skin._

_"What happened?" he asked. _

_"My—my father tried to choke me when I was fifteen," I whispered. _

_"Did he go to jail?" Jasper asked._

_"No," I said, a tear sliding down my cheek. He wiped it away. "He's still out there."_

_His thumb stroked the back of my hand before he unexpectedly shoved my sleeve up enough to expose my wrist. I gasped and fumbled to pull it back down._

_"Will you tell me about that?" he asked._

_I looked into his eyes, knowing I could trust them… but shook my head. "That's another story for another day."_

The WALK sign was green again and I hurried to cross before I was stuck waiting again.

I wasn't sure how he'd known about my wrists, and did he know about all the other scars? Had I let it slip without noticing? No, I knew I hadn't. Then how did he know?

I walked into a pharmacy, my head still buzzing with questions, and walked to the counter, not in the mood to look for what I needed.

"Just a second," a muffled voice said. There was a man ducked behind the counter, and when he stood up I recognized him immediately.

"Edward," I gasped. "Is that you?"

"Yeah, who's asking?" he said, not looking up at me but wiping his hands on his pants. His head turned up and his green eyes met mine.

"Alice," he said. "Huh. Long time no see, cousin."

Edward Cullen was my first cousin—son of my mom's sister. I'd seen him once before in my life, but I remembered everything about him. He and his parents were the only decent people in my family, but, of course, since my parents had hated anyone who was nice to me, they'd made sure we never came in contact again.

I ran around the counter and threw my arms around his neck, pecking both of his cheeks.

"I haven't seen you since we were ten!" I said, pulling hair out of my face.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again, Alice," he said, ruffling my hair. "I've missed you. How are things?"

"Things are good," I said. And for once, it wasn't a lie.

"Miracle," he sighed. "You got away from your parents?"

"Moved out when I was eighteen," I said. "I've been on the move since. I got into the Institute of Photography, though."

"I'm really happy for you," he said.

"Are you going to school?"

"Yeah. I could've gone to Dartmouth, but I just had to be in New York, so I'm starting at the Medical College tomorrow."

"I start tomorrow, too," I said. "Good luck."

"You too," he said. "So, since I know you obviously didn't drop in to say hi—"

"Obviously," I muttered.

"—what do you need?"

"Scar remover. Best I can afford, please."

"Scar remover?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. I looked around and showed him my arm. He sighed and shook his head sadly.

"Oh, Alice," he whispered, leading me to a shelf.

"I wish you wouldn't do that to yourself," he said, handing me a thin box.

"I've resolved not to anymore," I said.

"That's good news," he said, smiling. "Any reason?"

"I'm putting my life back together," I told him.

"Well, I'm happy for you," he said. "I really am."

"Thanks," I said, taking my wallet out of my bag.

"This one's on me," he said, pulling money out of his own pocket and into the register.

"You didn't have to do that," I said.

"Yeah, I kind of did."

I smiled in thanks. He smiled back.

"You should swing by and visit sometime. Carlisle and Esme would love to see you again. Emmett might want to meet you."

"Emmett?" I asked.

"Carlisle and Esme adopted him a while after I first met you. His parents died on a camping trip when he was little."

"Oh," I said. "That sucks."

"He's happy with us," Edward said. "He's a great big brother. Kind of like a huge teddy bear."

I grinned. "Sounds fun. I'll make sure to do that someday."

We exchanged phone numbers and said goodbye before I walked out of the shop and into the rain, a smile large on my face. I hadn't felt this happy in years. My grin wasn't wiped off until I bumped into someone and fell to the floor.

"Ooh, ouch, I'm sorry," a woman said. She was tall, blonde, and beautiful. She held her hand out to me. I took it and she pulled me up. "I was in a rush. I'm trying to get to…" She read the name of a photo developing place that I was searching for myself.

"Same here," I said. "Guess I was going in the wrong direction."

"Here, I'll show you where it is," the woman said as we started walking.

"I'm Alice," I told her, holding out my hand.

"Rosalie," she said, shaking my hand. "Where are your parents?"

I grimaced. "I don't know, and don't care frankly. I'm starting college tomorrow. I don't have to worry about them."

"You're starting college?" Rosalie asked me, surprised. God, I needed growing pills.

"Yes, thank you," I said. "I'm nineteen."

Rosalie laughed. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were younger."

"Yeah, many do," I said, cracking a smile.

"Where are you going to school?" she asked.

"I'll be starting at the Institute of Photography," I said for what felt like the thousandth time that week.

"Me too!" she said. "Oh, I'm glad I'll know someone there."

"Ha, same here," I said. We reached our destination, and while she developed pictures, I bought a printer, ink, and camera with the little money I had. I _really _needed a job.

"Alright, it was nice meeting you," Rosalie said when we were going our separate ways.

"Nice meeting you, too," I said. She gave me a hug and walked away, as I stayed there in shock. It was the second hug I'd received in one day, and that was new. My eyes clouded with tears, and when they started falling, they mixed with rain water.

But I was no longer crying of sadness or of pain. I was crying of pure, blissful joy. I was so happy, it hurt. When I got back to my hotel room, I threw myself down on the bed and laughed. I laughed for a long time, not really paying attention to anything going on around me. When my phone rang, I answered with an over bubbly, "Hello?"

"Alice?" Jasper's voice asked. "Is that… is that you?"

I giggled. "Yes it is."

"You sound happy," he commented, a smile in his voice.

"I am," I said. When he asked why, I told him everything that had happened that day. And when I finished, he sounded as overwhelmed as I felt.

"Wow," he said. "I'm really ecstatic for you, Alice."

"Thanks."

"You know why I'm happy?"

"Why?"  
"Because after all day, I've been hoping to hear your voice, and now I finally get to."

"Aw, you're so sweet." I smiled, sighing contentedly.

"Listen, you wanna come over later?" he asked. "I have an apartment in downtown Manhattan."

I didn't have to think about it for more than a second. "I'll be right there."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N;; I'm starting a playlist for Two Dead Roses. So far, I only have a few songs (I won't post them, since some of them have spoilers for what's going to happen) and if you guys have any recommendations, please tell me in a review! Thanks.**

I didn't know how it had happened, really. Of course, the parts I remembered had been blissful and it had left a smile I wouldn't wipe off on my face.

Well, I couldn't wipe it off until I sat up in bed that morning.

It wasn't the bed I'd slept in for a week—the one at the hotel. It was the bed in Jasper's apartment. I was still sitting on it, my face streaked with tears and only one question searing my mind.

_How could he leave me?_

We'd spent such a beautiful night together. I'd told him things I hadn't said aloud to myself. He'd held me in his arms. We'd kissed. I'd told him I'd never felt that way about anyone else. He'd told me he loved me, and that the fact we'd just met didn't matter.

How could it have gone so wrong?

_I arrived at his apartment, and he'd been there waiting for me. He opened the door with a smile on his face—a smile that I returned. His hair was tousled in a way that would suit him and him only, and his pale, needle-marked arms were on display. He was wearing just a green short-sleeve, after all._

_I pulled my oversized grey sweater off, completely uncaring about the fact that my red spaghetti strap showed my scars. I was ready to entrust Jasper completely with every secret I'd harbored. I'd have worn shorts, too, but I wasn't putting my faith in all of downtown Manhattan. _

_"Alice, I—" he started, but, for the moment, he couldn't finish. He stared at me with wide eyes. _

_"I didn't think it would be this bad," he whispered. "You didn't have to show me. I was just joking the other night."_

_"I wanted to," I said. "I thought you'd want to know."_

_"I never thought…" He sighed. "Come here."_

_He wrapped me in his arms, being extremely careful so as to not hurt me. His hands seemed to caress every individual scar, leaving burning traces behind. It wasn't the same kind of burn the blissful pain from my cuts left behind. This was a new burn—a passionate burn. He carried me to a small leather couch and sat down, cradling me in his arms._

_"When was the last time you…?" His voice trailed off. He didn't want to say it. _

_"The morning of the day I met you," I answered truthfully, my voice barely above a whisper. _

_"Why?" he asked. "Was there… was there even a reason? Or did you just need it?"_

_"Both," I sighed. "My dad called my cell phone and yelled at me that morning. Called me… he called me things. He didn't make forgetting him much easier. I couldn't take it. I threw my phone away and picked up a rock from the floor. It—it wasn't sharp. It took a while to get as deep as I needed."_

_His eyes lingered on a ragged cut that was almost scabbed over. He traced it lightly with the tip of his finger. I shivered, but it wasn't from the pain._

_"Promise me you'll never do this to yourself again," he whispered. _

_I took his hand and wrapped my smallest finger around his. _

_"I pinkie promise," I told him, a light smile playing at my lips. He grinned sadly._

_"Will you tell me why you started this?" he asked. _

_I didn't waste a second. I wanted him to know it all. Through tears that he wiped away and sobs that made him hold me tighter, I told him my story. He sat there for who knows how long listening to me tell of the abuse I went through. I told him something I never even admitted to myself._

_"I was raped," I whispered. "By the one person I thought I could love someday."_

_He couldn't hide his gasp. I knew he hadn't expected to hear it; I hadn't expected to say it. _

_"I never told anyone," I said. "I always thought they wouldn't believe me. My parents thought him such a respectful man. They called me an ungrateful little bitch when I told him to get lost. That was the night my father tried to strangle me."_

_I touched the bruises on my neck absentmindedly with one hand. With the other, I wiped away the single tear streaming down Jasper's cheek._

_"No, Jazz, don't cry for me," I said, my forehead against his. "I'm okay. It's in the past." No need to say that I lived in the past more than I lived in the future. _

_"He shouldn't have done that to you," he said, his breathing ragged. Our faces were so close, but he wouldn't make eye contact with me. "No one deserves that, especially not you! Who could hurt you like that? I don't see how anyone in their right mind would do something so horrible to you. You're—"_

_I pressed my lips firmly to his, cutting him off. The world seemed to stop around us. I didn't care that I hadn't known him for even a week__. _

_"You're perfect. My beautiful Alice," he said against my lips. He pushed a few pillows behind him as he stood, his mouth firmly attached to mine. I wrapped my short legs around his waist and ran my fingers through his hair. While one of his hands supported my back, the other cupped my face. His thumb stroked my cheek, and when we finally pulled away, it was just to exchange a few words that meant the world._

_"I love you, Alice."_

_"Oh, Jasper, I love you, too."_

I sobbed, remembering how I felt my back against his bed and his warm weight settle over mine just after we spoke. I'd really loved him, and I thought he'd really loved me.

But if he'd loved me, he wouldn't have left.

I'd woken that morning, expecting to find him lying next to me. I expected him to stare into my eyes and tell me he loved me for the second time, just so I wouldn't forget. I expected him to hold me in his arms and never let go. I expected to wake with his soft, warm lips on mine with the two of us communicating feelings words couldn't express.

The fact that I'd been so terribly wrong nearly killed me.

Instead of finding him next to me, I found a note with two entwined roses placed on top of it. I couldn't tear my eyes away from it long enough. I had the words memorized.

_My dear, sweet Alice,_

_I'm sorry, but we can't do this. I don't deserve you. You need to find someone good and wholesome that will love you and only you—someone with a good life that can share happiness with you. I'm two weeks sober, and fresh out of rehab. I can't guarantee I'll stay out, but I'll try my hardest. Already, I can't live without you, and I know that's not right. I can't hold on to you. I wish you the best, Alice. _

_Don't forget the promise you made to me._

_Sincerely, Jasper._

My eyes were smeared with makeup, and the paper was splattered with the tears of sadness and rage that were spewing from my eyes.

That stupid bastard! He couldn't honestly think I'd keep a single promise to him now! I hated him. I hated him for leaving me. He was no better than James—the sick asshole that took my innocence at age fifteen.

I stood up and pulled on the nearest article of clothing I could find. As I pulled the oversized shirt over my head, I knew it was his. It smelled like honey, sweat, and drugs. It was his scent. It hurt so badly to have it on, but I knew it would be worse if I was to take it off.

I ran to the small corner of his kitchen and pried open each of the drawers. Spoons, forks… no knives, of course. He obviously knew I'd go there first. Sobbing, I ran to his bathroom. No razor blades, no nothing. He seemed to have taken every sharp thing I could use to harm myself out of the place.

I went back to his bed and repeatedly beat my head against the wall. I needed physical pain. I craved it.

It was then that I noticed there was something written on the back of his note.

_PS: There's a picture on my desk. I want you to forget me… but at the same time, please take it. I couldn't bear knowing that you didn't carry a piece of me with you._

That. Sick. Bastard.

"You know where I'd like to put that picture now?!" I growled to myself, stomping over to his desk. I knocked off the things he had there, purposely leaving a mess for him to have to clean when he came back. Yes, he was coming back. All his possessions were still here. He was obviously waiting till I left to come back for them.

I took the picture of him from his desk. I threw it onto the floor and watched its glass frame shatter. I picked up one of the shards and held it to my wrist, my anger running down my cheeks.

"This one's for you, Jasper Hale," I said and brought it down hard and fast.

But somehow, I couldn't do it. The glass was centimeters away from my skin, but I couldn't lower it enough to make a cut. I couldn't break my promise to him. Yes, I hated him enough to cut myself for him. But, yes, I loved him enough to keep my promise.

Outraged, I threw the glass shard down, heard it shatter into more pieces, and stormed to his bed again. I took and pillow and held it close to me, sobbing into it. I didn't know why I wasn't leaving. I wanted to leave—I didn't want anything to do with him. Half of me wanted to stay and wait for him to come back, and then beg him not to leave me. The other, stronger half just wanted to leave and never see him again.

I stood and changed into my own clothes. I folded his shirt and resisted the temptation to put it in my bag. I left it on his nightstand, and started to leave.

But something silver caught my eyes. I put my bag down and walked over to where the clock was. It was barely five in the morning, but that's not what I cared about.

Under the clock was a lighter, and next to the lighter was a packet of cigarettes.

I'd never smoked before, but I couldn't resist. I lit one and brought it to my lips, puffing out smoke. It was uncomfortable the first few times, but then it became somewhat easy, as if I'd been doing it all my life.

I dropped it by accident. The lit tip bounced off my arm, and I was too mesmerized by the pain of the burn that I just let it fall.

I started at where the cigarette had burned me and wiped off some ash. It left a red mark and the after-pain was indulging. I took the cigarette off the floor and pressed it to my right wrist, where the skin was thinnest and left it there, ignoring the screaming protests of my body.

I laughed, but it was a cruel, strangled sort of laugh. Morbid, if you must.

I did it again and again, until the pain it brought me started to subside. It was then that I used the lighter. I traced the small flame across my skin, letting it leave beautiful burn marks. I pretended it was Jasper touching me—pretended that it was his burning touch I was feeling. After what might have been even an hour, I pocketed the lighter and the cigarettes.

Then I got on my knees and pushed away the glass mess until I made my way to the photo. I held it up and saw Jasper looking at me. His blue eyes were shining and his hair was wet with rain. I slipped it into my purse, knowing I'd regret it later. And then I pulled out my wallet and took a small picture of myself out of it. It was a school picture, and I looked rather sad, but I hoped he'd appreciate it.

Because I couldn't bear knowing that he didn't carry a piece of me with him.

And with one last look at the apartment, I pulled on my sweater, and left, wishing I didn't have to get to the New York Institute of Photography by seven o' clock that morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N;; I am loving all the positive responses this story is getting. Thanks so much, guys. **

**This might be the last update I give you guys for a while. I'm going on vacation till the twelfth, and when I get back I'm gonna be busier than I was before. Things will settle again by the end of the month, and you can for sure expect an update then. **

**Also, for anyone who's a fan of The Jazz Singer, it is in danger of being taken off the site for lack of reviews. If there's anyone who wants to help out with that, be my guest :D Now, onward!**

I was one of the first to arrive at the campus that morning. It was still pretty dark outside when I hauled my luggage out of the cab. I'd seriously considered dropping out before I was even in; that and suicide. Both, after a while, ended up looking like pretty bad ideas. So, in the end, I'd put on a long sleeved shirt and dragged myself down to NYIP. I was regretting it already.

My heart ached more than my legs did from climbing all the stairs to my assigned dorm with my bags hauling me down—and that was saying something. I wasn't sure how I could still feel anything. I'd expected the numbness to wash over me by then, and engulf me in non-existence. My hopes were too high. It wasn't like it mattered; I'd dealt with being let down too many times before.

I reached my designated room and fumbled in my jeans for the key. When I was able to open the door, I saw that my new roommate had beaten me there and was already wrestling to get a mattress onto one of the two beds in the room.

"Why the hell do they put these things _under _the beds?" an overly familiar voice grunted. "Why don't they just freaking leave them where they belong?"

She hoisted the mattress up and it plopped down onto the bed, dust flying everywhere. She coughed and waved at the air around her.

"Hey, roomy," I said, feigning happiness. Rosalie looked up and saw me.

"I know you from somewhere!" she said, rushing forward and enveloping me in a tight hug. "Hey there, Alice."

She was squeezing my arms tightly, but the numbness was finally activating itself. Without thinking about it, I went limp in her arms. Rosalie held me up.

"Alice, what's wrong?" she asked. "Are you feeling okay?" She sat me on the bed and I shook my head and plastered a painfully fake smile on my face.

"Wrong?" I asked, my voice slightly hysterical. "Wrong? Of course nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine." I laughed a frenzied laugh and stood up, wobbling over to the window to hide my red face. Tears I couldn't control were streaming down my cheeks.

"Alice, I haven't known you for a day and I know something's wrong," she said. I felt her hand on my shoulder. The simple gesture made me break. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. Rose held me without a word, murmuring meaningless things like "It's okay" and "There's no need for tears."

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" she asked, holding me by my shoulders as if waiting for me to collapse.

"I can't, Rose, I just can't," I said.

And she didn't press the matter any further.

Rose and I became much closer after that. She didn't press for the information I wouldn't give her. She didn't question why I wore sweaters or long sleeved shirts, even when the heat became near unbearable.

She didn't ask why I'd lay awake at night for hours staring at a picture I wouldn't let her see for the life of me.

Rose was used to my mental breakdowns after a week. She was never surprised if she woke up to me crying at night, or came back from Starbucks with two lattes only to find me curled up on my bed not moving and barely breathing. She never asked questions. She just sat down next to me, allowing me to let it out. She helped me be happier. I rarely thought about my horrid past when I was with her. She kept me smiling.

Rosalie became my best friend within a month. I loved her like the sister she was to me. She stood up for me when bitchy girls would say, and I quote, "I think you took a wrong turn. The elementary school is that way."

I felt truly guilty about not telling her anything about my life, especially when, in one night, she told me everything about her twin brother—the last living person in her family. He cut off contact with her when she forced him into rehab. She said it hadn't been long ago.

I couldn't help but connect her story with… with Jasper. God, it hurt just to think his name.

I'd spent that one month at the Institute of Photography, rooming with Rose, and looking at her everyday.

But all those days I was looking, but I wasn't really seeing.

The day I noticed that was the day I noticed her eyes. They were a brilliant, familiar blue. The same color as Jasper's eyes. Hers were softer, but they were, overall, exactly alike.

That was when I had to ask.

"Rose?" I asked her one night when we were sprawled on the floor of the dorm, looking at pictures we'd taken for one of our classes. "What's your last name?"

She looked at me strangely. "Why do you ask?"

"I've known you a month now and I don't even know your full name," I said, giggling. "You have to admit that's a little weird."

She laughed. "Hale," she answered. "Rosalie Lillian Hale."

"Hale," I croaked. "Hale… Rose, let me ask you… Your brother, the one you sent to rehab… was his name, by any chance, Jasper?"  
She stared at me with wide eyes that were turning pink as they prepared to leak tears. I knew she wouldn't be the only one to cry that night.

"How do you know his name?" she asked.

"I met him," I said. "I met him the day before I met you. He was coming out of rehab. I was sitting outside waiting for the bus. We—we talked."

A tear ran down her cheek. I envied her for a moment. Even with her hair tied up in a messy bun, not a hint of makeup on her face, and her eyes puffy with the tears she hadn't yet shed, she was still perfect.

"How is she?" she asked, a begging edge to her voice. "Is he okay? Did he mention me?"

I shook my head, trying to blink back tears. "He—he said his family was dead. You two had another brother?"

Rose nodded. "He—"

"Killed himself," I finished for her. "I heard."

She nodded again, and a weak sob escaped her throat.

I felt sick, but it wasn't because of our conversation. It was five in the morning (yes, we're nerds that stay up all night checking over our homework) and so not a good time to be sick to my stomach.

"Rose, pass me the trashcan," I muttered. She obliged, seeing my green face, and the second it was in my hands I threw up everything I'd eaten within the past week.

"Are you okay?" she asked, rubbing my back. "You want me to call the hospital wing?"

"No, I'm fine," I assured her, standing. I hoped I could make it to at least the door of our bathroom before I threw up again, which I was bound to do.

When I came out of the bathroom again, after having heaved up so much crap it wasn't even funny, I felt horrible. Thankfully, it was Saturday, so I wouldn't have to skip a day of classes. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes.

"Alice, this can't be healthy," Rose said, on her knees next to my bed. "You've been feeling sick the past few mornings, and today you throw up more than should be able to fit in you."

I looked up at her and saw her face go paler than was normal. She ran one finger through her hair, muttering.

"Oh my God," she said. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"

"What, Rose?" I snapped. "What?"

"Alice," she said slowly. "Is there a chance that you might be… I dunno… um…"

I sat up, thinking I knew where her mind was going. "I could be _what_, Rosalie?"

"Alice, could you be…" She looked around, as if expecting someone to be eavesdropping. Her voice was just above a whisper when she spoke again. "_Pregnant?"_

My head snapped up so quickly, it rebounded against the wall behind me.

"Ouch," I muttered, rubbing the back of my head. "And that's crazy, Rose. I can't be—I can't be pregnant. That's—that's insane." Only what if I was? What if I was pregnant? There was only one person it could belong to, and would I ever be able to look at my future child if they were to look anything like him?

"Think, Alice," Rosalie said. "Have you had sex at all within the past month… or so?"

I nodded, smashing my head against the wall purposely. There was no way in hell I was pregnant. It was probably just food poisoning or something of the sort. I gulped.

"Will you come with me?" I asked her. "You know—to get the pregnancy tests?"

Rose nodded somberly and threw her arms around me. "It'll be okay," she said. "Just watch."

I did watch. I watched as Rose and I drove off in her car to the pharmacy I'd gone to before school had started. I watched as she picked out three different tests for me to try. I watched as the cashier gave me an odd look as he handed me the bag.

I watched the road intently on our way back to NYIP. I watched as Rose gave my hand a comforting squeeze before I went into the bathroom back at our dorm.

I watched as three little pink plus signs appeared in front of me.

"Oh—God!" I croaked, wrapping my arms around myself. "Oh God, oh God!" I felt Rose's arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me as I wept.

"Rose, I'm nineteen years old, and I'm going to have a fucking child in nine months!" I sobbed. I wasn't always a big fan of profanity, but there were quite a few words I wanted to scream in Mr. Hale's face that would not belong in a G-rated movie.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," Rose whispered, stroking my hair. "It's all gonna be alright, you'll see.

"Will you tell me who the dad is?"

I looked up at her and shook my head. "No, Rose, I'm sorry, I can't."

She nodded understandingly, and somehow I knew she didn't suspect it was her brother. She stared at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Are you going to, you know, keep it?" she asked me.

"Of course I am," I said. "What else would I do?"

"Well, Alice, I mean… you're still in school," she said.

"I'll drop out," I said.

"You have your whole life ahead of you."

"I can face life with my child by my side."

"You're so young."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Where will you live?"

"I'll find someplace."

"And you're going to raise her alone?"

"That's what it looks like I'm gonna do."

"How will you hold up?"

"It's called a bra; you wouldn't know about it."

She grimaced at me. "This isn't a time for jokes, Alice."

"I'm sorry, but you seem so sure I won't be able to do this," I said. "I mean, I'm not gonna get an abortion—no!" I pressed my hands to my stomach, as if willing the baby inside me to feel that I'd love it and take care of it for as long as I'd live.

"I'll be there for you, Alice," Rose said. "Every step of the way. But… will I be enough? Don't you have parents you need to call?"

"They're dead," I said. "Dead to me, anyway."

Rose looked at me strangely, but didn't press the matter. "Any other family members?"

"No, I—" My thoughts flickered to Edward. "Wait. Yeah, I do, actually."

I leapt for my bag and dug around for the phone Rose had bought me (apparently, she and Jasper had inherited everything, but since Jasper had walked off, she was left with the thousands of dollars her parents had left behind). I dialed Edward's number, hoping silently that he'd answer. He did, to my utter relief.

"Hello?" he said groggily. I only then noticed it was pretty late.

"Hey, Edward," I said.

"Alice?" he asked.

"The very one."

"Oh, hey. I haven't talked to you since we started school. How are things?"

"Things are… stressful."

"Well, that's college for you."

"I wasn't talking about that."

"Then what did you mean?"

I took a deep breath. "Edward, I was feeling sick this morning, and my friend, Rose, thought I could be… and so we went to the pharmacy today and got some tests and, and… Dear God… I'm pregnant, and—and I'm going to keep it, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How will I take care of myself; of my baby?" I was in tears by then, sobbing into the phone.

"Alice, Alice," he said. "Breathe, okay? Listen, you get Thanksgiving week off, don't you? Well, that isn't that far off. I'm going back to visit Carlisle and Esme; why don't you come? Carlisle's a doctor. You probably won't need an ultrasound till then, anyway. And just—just be careful, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you, or the baby."

I nodded, taking it all in and biting down on my lip to keep from crying.

"O…kay," I said, then I looked over at Rose. She was sitting on her own bed, legs crossed, looking at a picture. From the way she was crying, I knew it had to be a picture of her family, or her parents, at least. I turned my attention back to the phone.

"Listen, Edward?" I said. "Um… I hate to impose on Carlisle and Esme, but would it be alright if, you know, if Rose came with me?"  
Rosalie looked at me, but I wasn't sure if she was getting ready to protest or not.

"I'm sure that's fine," Edward said. "We're gonna pretty much have a full house anyway. Emmett's coming home, too, and I'm bringing my—my girlfriend back home." I could almost see the blush on his cheeks. "So, yeah, I'm sure they'll love to have you both."

I smiled through my tears. "Thanks, Edward."

"Alright, I'll talk to you soon," he said. "I'm sure you'll love Bella. The two of you will get along great."

"I'm sure we will," I said. "Night, Edward."

"G'night, Alice."

I snapped the phone closed and turned to Rose.

"You okay?" I asked her.

She looked up, and I saw her eyes fill with tears. "You're pregnant with the baby of a guy who you mightn't see again and you don't know what you're gonna do, and you're worrying about me!" she said, her voice hollow. "But, if you must know, I've… I haven't spent Thanksgiving—or any holiday, for that matter—with someone since I was fifteen. Jasper was always busy, and I didn't have anyone else."

"No boyfriends who invited you home?"

"I haven't had a boyfriend," Rose said, blushing slightly.

"You what-what-what?" I asked, confused. Rosalie Hale; vision of perfection has never had a boyfriend? It's the end of the world.

"I haven't had a boyfriend," she said with more confidence. "I haven't found anyone I want to spend my life with."

"Rose, that's a husband," I said. "A boyfriend is just someone you try on for size, to see if one day you can spend your life with them."

"Well, I don't see you having ever had a boyfriend," she retorted.

I hadn't told her about James. Jasper—and my parents and sister, I guess—were the only ones that knew I'd ever gone out with him. But Jasper was the one who knew what James had done to me. I wasn't ready to tell Rose that story.

The full force of what I was doing didn't hit me until midnight. The lights were off and Rose was snoring softly in the bed next to mine.

But I lay awake, thinking, and crying.

What I wouldn't give to be able to see Jasper, hit every inch of his body, and call him a stupid, unreliable bastard. I might never be able to see him again, and I wasn't sure if that made me happy or not. I'd never forget him; that was for sure. He was the first man I'd ever truly loved, even if he hadn't loved me.

I didn't think about what I was doing. I went to our bathroom and locked the door. I opened the medicine cabinet slowly and pulled out a bottle of cough syrup—the kind that people are always saying to keep out of reach of children because it'll get them high—and a razor blade.

I sat myself in the tub, and pulled up my sleeve, readying myself for relief.


	5. Chapter 5

It was November, the Friday before Thanksgiving week started, to be exact. Two months after I found out I was pregnant, two months after I had my last cut.

Two months after Rose found out about my vice.

She'd heard me crying in the bathroom and picked the lock to get in. She saw me just as I was setting down the bloody blade. I'd expected her to be shocked. I hadn't expected her to fall to her knees sobbing and begging me to never do it again.

I especially hadn't expected to tell her I wouldn't. And I _really _hadn't expected to have kept my word for so long.

I drew the line at therapy, though. Rose tried to get me to talk to a Dr. Kindle over the phone, and then go in for a session at his office if I found him helpful. I said there was no way I was going to spill all my problems to a shrink. She suggested rehab.

I told her I wasn't her dumbass, pushover brother and I wouldn't let her put me into that.

She didn't talk to me for two weeks.

Of course, we were fine again, but those two weeks were painful. We were roommates, so we couldn't exactly avoid seeing each other. We made up, but Jasper became a point of sensitive conversation more so than before, so he wasn't mentioned… unless she caught me staring at his picture at night, or unless I caught her writing the words "Bring my brother back" in her diary.

After that, I did not want to keep from her the fact that her brother was the father of my unborn child. I had told her, and she cried. She cried a lot. But in the end, she decided that she could not say she was exactly surprised. I told her I thought I had loved him, and that he told me he loved me. He called him unspeakable things, but somehow managed not to think any less of me afterwards.

We were packing by the moonlight now. Tomorrow morning, we'd wake up early and take our luggage out front—where tons of other college kids would be, surely—and wait for Edward and Bella—who I was quite anxious to meet—to come pick us up. We'd take a plane to Seattle where Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle would be waiting. The thought of spending a holiday surrounded by loving family and friends made me laugh even if I hadn't wanted to smile in the first place.

Edward and I grew much closer during the past months. I visited him at work whenever I could, and he spent countless hours on the phone with Rose and me at night if we couldn't sleep. When he asked about my cutting, I had to lie.

"I haven't done it since the day before I first saw you again," I'd told him, silently begging Rosalie not to contradict me.

When he informed me that he was glad because too much stress could cause a miscarriage, I promised myself I'd start taking chill-pills, also known as chocolate bars. When I started gaining weight, I wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy or all the fulfilled cravings finally getting to me. Or both.

As far as the pregnancy went, the doctors said I was doing fine. I'd gotten a check up, but it was too early for an ultrasound. They just told me to be careful and to give into my cravings because that was the baby calling out for food. I wasn't sure if they were serious about the latter, but I was going to obey anyway.

"Hey, Alice, toss me my orange sweater, would you?" Rose's new obsession was her orange sweater. It looked absolutely atrocious on the hanger, but once paired with a black tank top, short shorts, and Rosalie's beauty, it looked like it belonged on a runway. I threw it purposefully at her face.

"Thanks," she laughed, folding it and putting it in her carry-on bag.

I smiled and shook my head. I resumed turning out the pockets of my own sweaters to see how much money I could scrape up. If Edward wouldn't let us pay for our own tickets, I was at least going to pay for the gas.

Instead of pulling a dollar out of a pocket, I pulled out a picture—the picture I'd hidden on purpose the night I found out I was pregnant. It was the one picture of Jasper I had, and once again I felt a knot in my stomach tighten and the same question swirl in my head.

Would I be able to bear looking at my child if he or she bore any resemblance to him?

I knew it was quite sick to fear the day I'd have to look at my baby, but I couldn't help it. How could I look at my future kid every single day if doing so brought back the pain of having Jasper leave?

I put my hand on my stomach as if willing the small being inside to comfort me. When that didn't work, I resumed my packing with shaking hands and tear-blurred eyes.

"So what are Carlisle and Esme like?" Rose asked out of no where. I stuffed the picture back in the pocket of the sweater—which I proceeded to throw back inside the closet—and looked over at her, seeing that she was sitting on her suitcase, trying to get it to close.

I laughed. "Jeez, Rose, we're going for a week, not for a year."

"You didn't answer my question," she grunted, trying to squash down the clothes and shoes hidden inside the designer suitcase.

"Well, I don't know how to answer it, really," I said truthfully, feeling I'd lied to her enough over the days as it was. "I saw them last when I was ten."

"How were they then?"

"They were lovely people. I thought they were a bit young to have a kid at the time, but Edward grew up great. They were very much in love, and I don't doubt that they still are."

"Oh, that's nice," Rose sighed. "I'm glad we both get to spend this week with good people."

"Yeah," I said. "For once."

"Will you ever tell me about your family, Alice? And why they were so cruel to you?" she asked. "I mean, I get it if you don't trust your best friend; ya know, that's perfectly fine with me."

I threw a pillow at her. "Stop trying to guilt me into it, Rose. I'll… I'll tell you one day, okay? I promise you."

"Pinkie promise?" she asked.

I tried to suppress the memory that brought back as I linked my smallest finger with hers. "Pinkie promise."

We smiled at each other and finished packing in silence. I still couldn't believe I was going to finally spend a holiday with people who would care about me. It was one of those insanely surreal things that you'd never even dream about because it seems too crazy to even be a fantasy.

It made me sad how, every night, the sweet, warm, comforting thoughts of spending a week with the Cullens would dissolve as soon as I got into bed. They'd turn into thoughts of the seven months of hell that lay before me, my imaginings of labor (ugh…), and, of course, how I was going to deal with the years afterwards. I was going to be the mother to a child, a single mother at that, and I didn't know what I was going to do about that.

I would have Rose, I guess. I'd have Edward and possibly Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, maybe even Bella if we grew close enough.

But the one person I wanted to have didn't want me back. He was somewhere out there, not caring about what happened to me, not knowing that I was going to have his baby in a few months' time.

I tossed and turned in bed, wanting to make the mental image of his face go away, trying to shake the immense want of retrieving his picture from the depths of my closet and crying over it till my tears blurred his face.

But I knew I couldn't do that. Rose trained herself to wake up to the sound of tears many years ago—I learned that the hard way. She'd hear me. She'd wake up. I didn't know why that scared me so much. She wouldn't get mad and scream at me for doing so. So why did the prospect of her catching me doing the one thing I do badly wanted to frighten me?

Maybe it was because that would be tearing down the strong façade I'd been building up.

I'd been trying to convince myself that if I played the strong one, Rose would follow my example. When she caught me staring at Jasper's picture at night, I made up some lie about how I should get used to seeing an image of him, because that was what my child would turn out to be, in a way. He or she would have something about them. Whether it be the way they spoke, the way they walked, their entire outlook; they would be my own piece of Jasper.

But, of course, that was bullshit. I was lying to try and keep my best friend from going crazy while trying to keep myself from doing the same. Did that make me a bad person? I would hope not.

Rose's soft snores filled the room, and I mentally put away the wall of strength—saving it for tomorrow morning—and climbed out of bed. I knew I wasn't as strong as I pretended to be, and with Rose knocked out across the room there was no reason for me to hide my cowardice for the time being.

I turned the knob of the closet door and peeked over my shoulder at Rosalie. I froze when I saw her stir, and breathed a sigh of relief when a slight snore escaped her. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and, as soon as I'd shut the door and closed myself into the small walk-in, opened it to illuminate my surroundings.

I spotted the sweater with the picture hanging out of the pocket almost immediately. I tried not to recognize it as the one I'd worn to Jasper's place just months before.

I didn't want to look at the picture. Not at that second, anyway. Instead, I slipped it deep into my carryon bag, hoping it wouldn't be discovered later.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep after that, so I rummaged quietly through my drawers until I found what I was looking for. The small box fit snuggly in the palm of my hand, and its little weight was comforting, somehow. I tip-toed over to Rose's bed, and as if I was a mother comforting her daughter, pecked her forehead. A seemingly involuntary smile crept across her sleeping face and I grinned.

Uncaring about the fact that I was in my pajamas and it was four in the morning, I snatched my key off the dresser and left the dorm room, heading for the stairs to the roof of the school. I'd sit there till sunrise, letting the bittersweet wind of dawn sweep my soul away, only to return when the true problems of my life were awoken again—when the sun was up in the sky and I knew Rose would be up soon.

So, with the pack of cigarettes that I'd stolen from _him_ in hand, I started up the winding steps. I purposely didn't bring a lighter. I was trying to stay healthy for my baby, wasn't I? Pretending to have a smoke wouldn't hurt anyone.

I sat up against the railing on the roof and rested my arms on my knees as I fumbled to get the box open. I pulled one of them out and brought it to my closed lips, only letting it brush gently against my lower one.

I grimaced. This wasn't helping as much as I thought it would. I sighed and stuffed the unlit cigarette back in its rightful spot and jammed the box into my pocket.

I drew my head back gently until it rested on the metal railing and loosely clasped my hands together. I inhaled and exhaled profoundly once, pretending that all my worries and troubles had disappeared into the universe with that one breath.

The sky was growing pink by then. The last stars were becoming dimmer and dimmer as the sun took them over, its light shining a pale yellow-orange color from behind the clouds.

I contented myself with finding patterns in the sunrise and holding my hands up in the form of a heart against the pale sky. All I found myself able to think about for what seemed like forever were the good things, like the following week with the Cullens, all my fun times with Rose…

I stood up and leaned forward against the railing, facing the gorgeous city before me. There were already traffic jams below, the Subway entrances were clogged up, and the streets were filled with people. Early morning rush.

People said New York was a dirty, ugly place. I thought it was the most beautiful city on the planet. I inhaled a mouthful of its scent and breathed it out contentedly. If only I had my camera; the skyline would've been great for the assignment due when we got back from Thanksgiving break. There was nothing that could ruin this moment. Nothing…

My phone rang loudly, startling me so much I staggered back a few steps. _Don't Answer_, my caller ID read.

My breath hitched in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. All my worries, my troubles, my fears, my regrets all came rushing back to me in that moment.

There was only one person who showed up as _Don't Answer _on my phone.

Only one person who could've ruined this moment for me.

There was only one who could call me and automatically make me want to throw my phone—or myself—over the side of the building.

Dad was calling.

Someone shoot me.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N; I feel like a guilty piece o' crap right now e_e I haven't updated in forever and a half, even when I said I would. So, I am very sorry, and school starts on the eighth so I hope I can get my ass on Word long enough to finish a few chappies here and there before I get my world sucked into band and algebra classes.**

**By the way, I use lots of colorful language in here, so sorry if you're not one for that. Technically, this is toned down. If I was Alice here, I'd be dropping a ton more f-bombs, but I cleaned it up a bit, just for you guys :D Feel special. **

I wasn't sure what it was that made me do it, but I flipped open my phone and accepted the call. If there was any time to face my dad, it was now.

"Hello," I said indifferently.

"There you are you filthy son of a bitch," a voice growled in my ear.

"I'm sorry, you must have called the wrong number," I said. "I'm a girl. But you got the part about my mom being a bitch right."

"Mary Alice!" my dad growled in my ear. I leaned against the railing on the top of the building.

"Sup, Dad," I said.

"I demand you come home right this instant!" he screamed.

"Why should I?" I asked. "So you can try to pair me off with some abusive bastard that took my innocence?"

"YOU DARE USE THAT LANGUAGE AROUND ME, MARY ALICE?" he boomed in my ear. "James was more a man than you ever deserved! How dare you try to accuse such a hard working gentleman of such things!"

"Wow, Dad," I smirked. "I think you've finally fallen in love. Tell me, does Mom know?"

I could almost see him turn red. "You little bitch!" he exclaimed. Man, this was fun. "James is with Cynthia now. The two are _very _happy now. They're getting married next June."

I laughed cruelly. "Has he raped her, then, too?"

"He never laid so much a hand on you, Mary Alice! No one would! I'm surprised such a distinguished man such as James would have ever come as near to you as he did."

"You know what surprises _me_?" I said, not waiting for him to answer. "That you're actually managing to marry my hideous sister off."

I could almost see my father turn red. He loathed it when people criticized the looks of his _precious wittle Cynthia_. "Cynthia is a thousand times the woman you'll ever be!" he screamed in my ear. "You're just jealous because she was actually worth the love of your mother and I."

"What about me, Daddykins?" I mused. "Didn't you love me; you're other daughter?"

"You're no daughter of mine," he spat.

I gasped in a very fake fashion, almost like a child on Christmas morning who already knew she was getting that doll she'd always wanted. "Really? So my dreams are finally coming true?"

"You unsightly little demon—we should've abandoned you right when we knew what a burden you were turning out to be! Dumped you on the streets! But no! We kept you out of the goodness of our hearts—"

"I wasn't aware you had any goodness in your hearts," I said, my own heart beating loud and fast. I loved the rush of talking to my dad the way I'd always wanted to without having him send me spiraling across the room with one slap.

"You ungrateful brat! We gave you a loving home all your life! You had food, a bed—"

"Whoa; I'm gonna stop you right there," I said. "A _loving _home? You're kidding. You must be kidding. None of you ever loved me. I never ate anything any of you provided for me, because you never provided anything for me. I ate what I found, and what I could scrounge up. I didn't even have a bed! I slept on the floor in the closet!"

"A carpeted, walk-in closet," my dad growled. As if that made the situation any better. "So where are you now? What state's your life in, eh? I bet you're on drugs! Probably fresh out of rehab!" I cringed at the memory his words brought back. "Still slicing your wrists open, most likely! You little whore—I bet you're knocked up!"

That did it. That. Fucking. Did it.

"Listen to me, you stupid, abusive, cruel man! You're nothing more than a coward—a coward who found his happiness and made himself feel bigger and stronger by hitting a little girl!" I yelled, convinced that people on lower floors and on the streets below could hear me.

"You never loved me—neither did Mum! You were both cruel, heartless, evil people!" Tears were staining my face. I didn't care. "Cynthia was a spoiled brat who bullied me into oblivion and , and James was the hotheaded spawn of the devil! You'll never hear from me again, and if you ever darken my life again I won't hesitate to take legal action on you!"

"Mary Alice—"

"Have fun burning in hell."

And with that, I held down the power button on my phone until it turned off.

I half-collapsed against the railing, facing the city. Traffic jams were starting below and the noise rang in my ears. My face was probably red. I was fuming. He expected me to come back home after the nightmare he turned most of my life into.

"Alice?"

The voice was a nice change from what I'd heard on the phone. It was the kind and songlike voice of Rosalie.

"Are you okay?"

She came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. I looked down at my feet.

"How much did you hear?" I asked her.

"Not much," she told me. "The first I heard was you threatening to take legal action on him. Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry! I never knew things were this bad."

She hugged me from behind, catching me off guard. She was crying into my shoulder. Rose usually wasn't an emotional person, and when she was PMSing or something got to her, she didn't usually like to let it show. But here she was, crying even more than I was, telling me she was sorry about these things she had no control over.

"How did you know?" I asked her.

"I woke up and you weren't there," she told me, stepping back and wiping her tears. Totally disregarding the early hour and chilly weather, she was in black short-shorts and a matching spaghetti strap top with a thin grey sweater and really high heels. Her hair was already curled to perfection.

"I looked everywhere I thought you'd be. I even snuck into the library." She laughed shakily. "In the end, I tried the roof. Figured you'd need a friend if you were out of the door this early." She smiled and helped me up. I staggered, and the box of cigarettes fell out of my pocket. Rose gasped and picked it up.

"Alice, you didn't!" she cried. "You know this could hurt the baby!" She shook the box in my face. "I can't let you do this!" She moved to hurl it over the edge of the building, but I grabbed her hand before she could.

"Rose!" I yelled. "No. Stop. Seriously. I wasn't smoking." I opened up the box for her. "See? Not a single one out of place." I turned out all my pockets. "No lighter." I smiled. "Teeth still white."

She looked at me with an exasperated look on her face. "Then why even have them?" she asked. I gnawed on my bottom lip.

"He didn't need them anyway."

She looked me in the eye expressionlessly. If she understood what I meant, she didn't say so. Instead, she turned toward the city.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" she sighed. "It's like a picture painted in pink and smog." She half-smiled. "Actually, this would've been great for that assignment Ms. Hargreeves gave us." Rose held out both hands and made the form of a letter L with each of them, and put them together against the sky as if it were a frame.

"I can just hear her now," she continued. "Vat is thees? Oh, 'osalie, tees beautiful! How you say… A ploose!" She mimicked her teacher's annoying accent so horribly, I couldn't help but laugh.

Rose took her own phone out of her pocket. "Looks like we can still catch about two more hours of sleep till we have to start getting ready. Let's get back down to the dorm. It's freezing up here."

I reluctantly agreed and, with one parting glance at the sky, I followed Rose down to the room.

xXxXxXx

"Hey, Alice!"

I'd been sitting on my suitcase outside next to Rose, waiting, when I heard the voice. I looked up and saw Edward waving at us from the window of his Volvo. I tapped Rosalie on the shoulder. When she saw him, she smiled and waved back. I could see a girl sitting next to him in the car. Her hair covered most of her face, but I knew she was beautiful.

We rolled our suitcases over to him and Edward got out of his car to help us get them into the trunk.

"Thanks, Eddie," I said, pecking him on the cheek.

"How many times must I tell you not to call me that?" he grimaced, his cheeks turning red. He muttered something that sounded a lot like "Not in front of my girlfriend."

I turned around to see Bella standing there. She was awkward, but definitely gorgeous. Long brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, and pale, translucent skin. She had an aura of shyness and something damsel-in-distress-like about her.

"Hi, Bella," I said happily, taking a purple flower out of my hair that I'd picked from the planter we'd seen sitting next to and handing it to her. "I'm Alice." She held out her hand, and I shook it before pulling her into a hug. My forwardness frightened her a bit, but she managed a seemingly involuntary smile when I pulled back. I looked behind my shoulder at Edward, who looked like he'd just been whacked in the head by a baseball bat. His face said "Dear God, Alice, don't embarrass me…"

I giggled and pushed Bella a bit towards Rose. Rosalie smiled a brilliant, beautiful smile and Bella winced. Her lips formed an uncomfortable grin. I could see Rose's nose scrunch up. I couldn't imagine why. The girl seemed nice enough.

"Well," Edward said, clasping his hands together loudly in an obvious attempt to break the tension. "We better get going. We need to be at the airport in an hour, and we all know how the traffic in New York is…"

Rosalie continued to give Bella a stare that slowly progressed to a glare. Edward smiled stiffly. "Okay. Yeah. Well. Pile into the car, everyone."

Rosalie and I got in the back seat while Bella stayed behind with Edward as they made sure everything was secure in the back. Rose grimaced as she saw them kiss in the rearview mirror.

"Rose, harsh, much?" I said, snapping her out of it.

"Sorry," she said. "I just… I didn't expect her to be so _ordinary_." She spat the last word.

"I disagree," I said. "I think she's beautiful. And she seems really sweet. She's just the kind of girl Edward would fall in love with."

"Yeah, well what do _you _know?" she murmured.

She didn't talk at all the entire way to the airport.

Things were getting kind of strange. Rose wasn't ever this rude to people. I could sense Bella's discomfort the whole way there.

When we were finally waiting for our chance to board, Bella and Edward took off—hand in hand—to buy magazines and more entertainment for the long ride to Seattle. I could see Rose about to make some excuse to leave me alone, but I grabbed her by her arm to stop her.

"Rosalie, come on," I pleaded. "I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything. Now, what's up with you today?"

"Nothing, Alice," she said, pulling her sunglasses up onto the top of her head and closing the book she had in her lap. She tried to get up, but I pulled her back down.

"Rose, you're my best friend. I think I can tell when you're upset."

"Just drop it, Alice, for goodness sake."

"I will not drop it. You have a problem with my cousin's girlfriend, and I want to know why."

Rose looked down and reached up to wipe at her eyes. I didn't think she'd start crying.

"Maybe I was hoping he'd—you know what? Never mind."

"Hoping he'd… hoping he'd what, Rosalie?" She stayed quiet. I thought about it. I reached the conclusion I'd been avoiding the whole way there, and my eyes widened. "Rose, you weren't hoping he'd fall for _you_, right?"

"You make it sound so impossible," she said, a single tear slipping down her cheek. "Why is the idea of someone like him falling in love with someone like me so ridiculous?"

"It's not, Rosie, it's not," I said, scooting toward her, but not knowing what to do to comfort her. I settled with resting a comforting hand on her forearm and looking her in her tear-filled eyes.

"When did you start liking him this way, Rose?" I asked. "And why didn't you tell me?"

"He's your cousin, and he had a girlfriend," she said, wiping frantically at her eyes.

"Rose, you've known about Bella for two months now," I told her. "Why is it suddenly hitting you now?"

"Because, Alice, did you _see _her?" Rose fretted. "She's so… so plain! Why would he pick someone like her over me?"

"Life isn't a faerie tale, sweetie," I said. "If it was… we'd all have happy endings by now." I bit at my lip, trying to hold back my own tears. I was right. Life wasn't a faerie tale. Princes didn't run away and leave the princess pregnant with his child.

But then again, I was never a princess, and nothing had ever pointed my life in that direction.

A feeling in the pit of my stomach told me Bella and Edward weren't far from us now. I was right. I heard Edward's voice after a few seconds.

"Hey, Rose, are you okay?" he asked. Rosalie hurriedly wiped at her face with her sleeve.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She tapped her book. "It's just the book. It's—it's really sad."

Bella peered at the cover. "_Alice in Wonderland_?" she said skeptically.

Rosalie stared daggers at her, and Bella cringed into Edward. Rose went back to wiping at her face. "Yeah," she said, keeping her eyes down. "You know—the part where the…" she muttered something incoherent, and everyone dropped the subject for the time being.

"Now boarding Flight 187 to Seattle," a voice said over the intercom. "First Class and minors may proceed first."

"That's us," I said, standing and slinging my bag over my shoulder. I was wearing shorts (that scar remover worked wonders) so the back of my legs made a sticky sound as they detached themselves from the vinyl seat. Rose stood up behind me, and we went to get in the line.

It wasn't long before we boarded the plane. We were sitting at the very front of the first class section—Edward and Bella on one side of the aisle, Rose and I on the other.

Rosalie switched on her pink iPod and shoved her earphones into her ears. She turned her back to me and stared out the open window. I sighed and ignored the magazines and other various forms of entertainment I had in my carryon bag. Instead, I leaned my head back on the soft seat, and prepared myself for a long, long, long… long ride.


	7. Chapter 7

"Alice… Alice… Alice! Wake up!"

"Huh?" I groaned, rubbing at my eyes. Rose was shaking me by my shoulder, trying to get me to wake up. Her eyes were bloodshot. She'd either been sleeping like me, or crying. But, obviously, I wasn't going to ask.

She handed me my carry-on bag before I realized that we were the last ones left on the plane. No wonder I hadn't been having one of my infamous dreams. I'd been practically knocked out. And I thought I was used to being awake till the late hours of the early morning…

Edward and Bella were waiting for us outside the plane.

"No, Bella, it's fine, I'm sure she likes—"

"Edward, she hates me, you know she hates me."

"Hate is a strong word, love."

"Oh, really, now? _Love _is just as strong a word, and you don't seem to mind using that most every—"

"Hey!" I said, deliberately butting into their conversation before they had a chance to get mushy in front of Rose.

Ah, if only finding out that my best friend likes my cousin had been a dream. That would've made things much easier.

"Ready to go?" I asked. I could feel Rose behind me. She was probably fidgeting. She always fidgeted when she was upset.

Bella's cheeks flamed red. She gave a slight smile. "Aha, yeah. Let's… go."

She tried to bend down to pick up her bag, but she tripped over… herself? Yeah, over herself. Which caused her to fall. Which caused Edward to catch her in a close embrace. Which caused Rose to scowl.

Which caused me to feel mega uncomfortable.

"Okay, so, let's get going." _Before either of you give me another reason to murder you_, I added silently.

Edward tucked Bella under his arm and whispered in her ear as we walked. Rose was tense beside me. I looked down and saw her knuckles turning white with the force of grip on her handbag. My mind still refused to truly register the fact that Rose liked Edward to that extent… was it bad that that seemed beyond bizarre?

We walked on for what seemed like forever. Rose remained stiff and rigid by my side; Edward and Bella still obviously flirting a few paces in front of us.

"Okay, Esme and Carlisle said they'd be waiting for us somewhere around here," Edward muttered. "Now we just have to find out where."

Where, indeed.

The receiving area was packed with friends, family, and lovers all waiting for a certain person to appear through the double doors. My heart squeezed when I saw a mother and father rush to hug their daughter and kiss her forehead that was arriving. My heart clenched when I realized that the girl's twin sister was greeted with a grimace and a judgmental frown. She was ordered to carry all her sister's luggage, on top of her own. I noticed she was frailer than her sister—her skin hung to the bone underneath. Short hair, pail skin… she reminded me so much of myself at fifteen.

I could see she was trying her hardest to keep her sleeves pulled down. I hated being able to imagine why.

I stopped abruptly and dropped my suitcase. I started digging in my purse. Mirror, makeup, tic-tacs, no, no, no…

"Alice, what's the hold up?" Edward asked.

"I'm looking for something," I grumbled. "One sec."

I finally found what I was looking for. A pad of sticky notes and a pen. I scribbled a note on one of the Post-Its and pulled it away from the stack. With that, I kept walking. I could feel Edward, Bella, and Rose looking at me with curious eyes as they followed suit.

As I walked past the girl, I stuck the note to her sweater discreetly. She jumped at the contact, and dropped the luggage. She hurriedly ripped the sticky note from her sweater and read it.

_Don't lose hope._

She looked around, searching for me. She spotted me and held up the note confusedly. I waved at her with a smile on my face, allowing the sleeve of my own sweater to droop slightly. Just enough to reveal a little secret. That scar remover worked wonders, but there were some scars that just refused to fade.

The girl's eyes locked on my wrist, and a slight, uncomfortable smile spread across her lips. I could tell the gesture was unfamiliar to her. I knew how she felt. It took me a while to get used to smiling again after I met Jas—wait. No. Bad thought.

She waved at me, too, letting just enough of her own scars to show. Hers were red—fresh. As if she'd just had a cut the night before.

"Never again," I mouthed at her. It took her a few moments to process my motion, and a few more to formulate a response. The movement was rigid, but it still meant the world to me.

"_I promise_," she mouthed back, crossing her heart. She dug something out of her pocket. A razor blade—I recognized it well. She took a few steps toward me, but obviously too shy to cross the full distance, placed it on the floor a few tiles in front of where I was standing. She almost reached out to me—I could see her lifting her arm toward me—but, of course, someone has to go and ruin it.

"Lisa!" her father bellowed. "Lisa, I'm giving you five seconds—!"

I watched as she scurried to pick up all the luggage and follow her family to the exit door. I saw her father mutter something and slap her upside the head. She was immune to the pain of beating, I knew that just by looking at her face. Again, I knew the feeling too well.

Her family continued out the door, her parents speaking excitedly with her sister. She lingered for half a second, just long enough to express how irritating her family was with a large sigh and quick roll of her tear-filled eyes. She turned to me, mouthed the words "_Thank you_," gave another smile, before turning and hurrying out the door.

I took a step forward, bent down, and picked the razor blade up off the floor. I turned it over one, twice, three times in my hand. The light from the ceiling reflected off of the few spots that weren't covered in dried blood. Tears filled my eyes, and I blinked them back before they could fall.

Maybe I was chosen to suffer for a reason. Maybe I was chosen to suffer so that I could help others who suffer. Maybe I was chosen to suffer because I was stronger than others.

Maybe I was chosen to suffer so that I could save one girl before it was too late.

And if that was the case, then I felt good about suffering. If my depression, self injury, and horrid life was all thrown my way just so that I could save this one girl at the airport, then it had all been worth it.

Because my life wasn't nearly worth as much as the life of someone else.

I was then reminded of my child—my unborn baby girl or boy. No, my life definitely wasn't worth as much as the life of someone else. Especially not that of my child.

I turned around, carefully pocketing the razor and vowing to dispose of it properly later. I looked up, and saw Rose staring at me with a smile on her lips and her eyes puffy with tears that had not yet fallen. Edward looked at me with pride and approval. Bella just looked confused.

"What was that about?" she asked. I smiled at her.

"Nothing, Bells," I said, locking eyes with Edward, and then Rosalie. "Nothing. Just a little something I had to do."

"But—"

"Sh, Bella," Edward said. "Don't worry about it, love."

Bella stayed quiet, though the look of confusion refused to leave her face.

And suddenly, I couldn't get my pregnancy out of my mind. I didn't want to be that girl that was ridiculously obsessed with her unborn child… but I was. This small human would make me a mother. I'd be his or her mother. I put my hand on my stomach and cooed silently to the child—_my _child. God, why couldn't I get used to saying that?

I was in the middle of a gushy, pre-maternal, inner rant (_Hi, baby. My sweet little angel. It's me, you're mommy. I love you…_) that I totally wasn't watching where I was going.

I bumped into Edward, who knocked into a woman.

The woman was older, though she still looked quite young. Her face was beautiful, and her caramel colored locks framed it nicely. Her brown eyes were flecked with gold. She was pale—very pale. But that wasn't a change of sight for me; Edward, Bella, Rose, and I were also extremely pale ourselves.

I expected Edward to excuse himself and keep walking. But, instead, he smiled and the woman gave him a hug, pecking both of his cheeks and ruffling his hair.

"Oh, Edward, it's so nice to see you again after so long!" she said. "Would you look at that? You have something on your chin…" She licked her thumb and rubbed at a brown spot on Edward's chin in the way I knew a mother would. That was when I understood: This was Esme Cullen; Edward's mother.

She'd definitely changed since I last saw her. Her eyes had gotten much lighter, her hair darker. She'd been tanner when I met her, and almost as thin as I was now. Not that she was fat or anything; she just had a maternal roundness to her. It suited her.

"Good to see you, too, Esme," Edward said. Heh. So I guess some people really _were _on first-name-terms with their parents. I thought that only happened in fiction.

"Oh, Carlisle will be so happy when he sees you," she said, fussing over his wrinkled shirt and jacket. "He stepped away for a moment to buy a snack or two. We haven't eaten since we got here." She laughed a charming laugh, and I realized she really wasn't as different as she was all those years ago. Still happy, still so full of life.

Bella had been hiding herself behind Edward the whole time. Intimidated by Esme's beauty, probably. I could tell by the way she looked at her. Edward pulled Bella in front of him so that it looked like he was displaying a piece of artwork he was extremely proud of.

"Esme, this is Bella," he said, his voice ringing with happiness. Bella turned red.

"So this is the famous Bella." Esme smiled. She shook Bella's hand, but in the end couldn't restrain herself, and pulled her into a hug. Bella was definitely caught off guard. I didn't notice Rose had been gripping my arms till I felt her nails digging into my skin. Every time she went in deeper, I could almost hear the words ringing in her head. _That should be me_.

No matter how deep her nails went into my skin, it didn't bother me. She might draw blood soon. That thought didn't bother me either. I tried not to focus on how sick that was.

"And who are these lovely ladies?" Esme asked once Bella had been released from her hold. She motioned to Rose and I. Edward stood to the side and Rose dropped her arm. I moved my own arm a bit behind my back to obscure the nail marks.

"This here is Rosalie Hale," Edward said, putting a hand on Rose's shoulder. _Dammit, Edward, don't do that!_

As if he'd read by mind, he lowered his hand. Rose turned as red as Bella had—whether in embarrassment, anger, or happiness I wasn't sure.

"And this over here…" Edward walked around Rosalie and came to my side. He put one arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. "Is a girl you've already met. Esme, you remember Alice don't you?"

"Alice…" I could see her thinking, and suddenly her eyes lit up. "Alice! Oh, Alice, it's really you!"

She practically threw herself at me, hugging me and kissing both my cheeks twice, then my forehead. She pulled back, but didn't let go of my arms. Her hand was squeezing the place Rose had dug her nails into. Fuck, now I was feeling it.

"I was always so worried… I tried to fight for you, you know," Esme said. "I wanted to be able to adopt you. I knew my sister and that wretched husband of hers didn't treat you right! I knew from the second I saw all those bruises. Trying to hide them with a sweater—a _sweater_! How stupid did they think I was?"

"Nice to see you, too, Esme," I said, not being able to say anything else.

"Oh, I always did love you," she continued. "You were such a wonderful little girl. And would you just look at how thin you are? You need some food in you, Alice. It's not good for the baby. I know you're probably used to not eating, but you need to get used to eating a _lot_. You're feeding two, now. Don't forget—"

"There's my son."

I saw Edward's head whip to the side. A tall, blonde, handsome man was striding toward us. He, too, was very, very pale. His eyes were darker than Esme's, but it was as if there was a certain light that shone from behind the darkness. I knew this had to be none other than Carlisle Cullen.

I was right. Esme released me before he tucked her under his arm. From the way they stole meaningful glances at each other, I knew they were still very much in love—that hadn't changed in all the years since I'd last seen them.

There was more hugging, more introductions, more remembering who I was, and more of Carlisle and Esme mentioning my parents. It was making me uncomfortable… in a really comfortable way.

Even as we went to the car, I couldn't forget how it felt when Esme had hugged me, and then Carlisle after her. It was the feeling I'd missed during my childhood. It was the feeling Cynthia had been allowed to experience, and that I was always refused.

As I put my suitcase in the back of Carlisle's sleek car, Esme placed a comforting hand on my back. Rose, Edward, Bella, and Carlisle were already in the car. Esme shut the trunk for me.

"Thanks, Esme," I said, pulling my hood on over my head. Washington was _freezing_. Literally, insanely freezing.

I tried to go around her to get into the car, but she stopped me.

"Listen, Alice," Esme said. "I know you've never had a real family. I know that it's maybe hard for you to trust people now, after all you've gone through, but… I've loved you all your life. I've loved you from the moment my sister gave birth to you. It's not fair that you were forced to suffer, but I want you to know that you don't have to suffer any longer. You could be a part of our family, if you'd like. You'd never have to worry about your mother, or your father ever again. You could come and go like Edward does, or stay with us like Emmett… either way, our doors are always open for you."

I had no words, so I responded with a tight, grateful hug.

"Thank you, Esme," I said. "So much."

She patted my shoulder lightly. "You're welcome, Alice."

"Hey," Edward called out the window. "We have to get going."

Right. Yeah. I gave Esme one last smile before we both climbed into the car.

Carlisle pulled out of the driveway, and even though I was squeezed between Edward, Bella, and Rose, I couldn't have been more comfortable.

I could've sworn I felt the baby inside me kick. I jumped. No way. That was ridiculous. I was only three months in. Babies didn't kick at three months… or did they? I made a mental note to ask Carlisle.

Good God. I almost forgot. I was three months in. I had six more months to go, and it was only going go get harder from here on in.

And yet, I couldn't find the will inside me to be afraid. Was it because I had a family now? Because I had people to stand by me? Because I didn't have to go through this alone, like I originally thought I'd have to?

Whatever it was, though, it was giving me the sense of warmth and security I'd missed growing up.

Could things really, finally be looking up?

No, no. I couldn't start getting my hopes up now. I knew what happened when I got my hopes up. Things never happened the way I wanted.

But, still, I couldn't help but hope…


	8. Chapter 8

"Emmett, we're home! Come say hello!"

Esme's voice rang through the large house. When we'd first pulled into the driveway, it was as if we were to be staying at one of those really fancy, five-star hotels. Except it was in the middle of the woods and lacked a snooty dude manning the front desk. Oh, and it also lacked a front desk. But that wasn't necessary. The house was perfect as it was.

It was broad, open, fresh, clean. And yet, it didn't give off that feeling you get when you're in one of those really rich houses where you think that breathing is making too much noise. No, this felt like what a home should feel like—warm and familiar, as if you'd loved it all your life.

"Emmett stayed to make sure the guest rooms were perfect for the two of you," Esme said to me. I could hear footsteps on the second floor. "He's very excited to meet you both."

"Oh, Esme, Rose and I could have shared a room," I said, feeling absolutely touched. "You didn't have to go through the trouble of preparing two."

"Oh, it was no trouble at all!" she assured me. "We were more than happy to do so."

I smiled.

"Emmett!" she called again. Carlisle and Edward were bringing in the luggage, and Bella was lingering by the entrance, trying to avoid being near Rosalie.

"Coming!" a loud, joyous, friendly voice yelled. It was the voice of a childish young adult. I found it amusing.

Down the stairs came a tall man with large muscles and curly brown hair. Though just as pale as the rest of the Cullens, he was obviously different. Adopted. Emmett.

"Emmett, meet your cousin, Alice," Esme said, motioning towards me. I smiled and waved.

He walked toward me and held out a large hand. I shook it as firmly as I could. He grinned.

"Hey, there, Alice," he said. "Eddie's told me loads about you."

"Don't call me Eddie," Edward murmured.

"Eddie!" Emmett said deliberately, giving Edward what I appropriately deemed a man hug. "How's my little bro?"

"I'd be loads better if you _didn't call me Eddie in front of my girlfriend_," Edward growled.

Emmett's eyes fell upon the small figure of Bella in the doorway.

"So that's her, then, Eddie? Bella, right?" He turned toward her, holding out his hand in a similar manner as he had to me. "Name's Emmett. Eddie, it's a miracle you found this one. She's obviously too good for you. Let me know if my brother bothers you, all right? He can be a goof."

"You're getting me confused with yourself," Edward teased. Bella was red as a beet as she shook Emmett's hand. I tried to stifle a couple giggles.

"Oh, Alice, where's Rosalie?" Esme asked.

"Not sure," I said. "I think she's outside."

"No I'm not."

Rose entered the living room from a door in the far wall. "Sorry. I drank way too much water on the plane."

Emmett stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. His eyes went wide, and he looked like a blind man who'd finally been allowed to see again.

"Emmett, this is Rosalie," Esme said, oblivious to the look he had on his face.

Emmett shook his head a couple times, and blinked, as if thinking that she was just a figment of his imagination. He walked over to her as if in a dream, and held out his hand limply.

"Hey, Rosalie," he said, keeping his composure as best he could. Rose's expression softened as she took in his face, and completely ignoring his outstretched hand, she hugged him.

"Nice to meet you, Emmett," she said promptly, pulling back quickly as though she'd just realized what she'd done. "Call me Rose."

"Sure thing," he whispered as she walked past him. She made her way across the room and stood at my side. Emmett's eyes never left her.

"So, I assume Carlisle's bringing in the last of the luggage now," Esme said. "You three girls can go and get acquainted with your bedrooms; freshen up. I'm sure Emmett and Edward would be more than happy to show the both of you to your rooms."

"I'll take Rose," Emmett said, without thinking. Rose smiled and turned red_à_la Bella.Emmett hurried over to her, and held out his arm in a mock-gentlemanly manner.

"Madam," he said in a poor attempt at a proper accent that made Rosalie giggle. He led her up the stairs and out of sight.

Heh. So maybe I wouldn't have to worry about Rose's Edward dilemma after all.

"I assume this means I'll be taking you and Bella," Edward sniggered.

"Lucky you," I laughed.

He took Bella to her room first and was inside the room with her for a while. I didn't mind waiting in the hall. It was such a large house, and so much art adorned the walls. There were windows taller than I that had a view of a large and beautiful forest. I could've stared out for hours.

But, sadly, I didn't have more than a few minutes before Edward came back outside, closing the door behind him. His face was drained with leftover excitement and his breathing was quick. I really didn't want to know what they'd been doing in there.

"Mind showing me where my room is, Mister Over-Excited?" I teased.

Blood rushed to Edward's face. "Oh. Er. Sure."

"And don't try any of that funny stuff you just did with Bella, alright?" I giggled. "I'm already pregnant."

"Aha. Right. That reminds me," he said. "Carlisle said he already cleared his schedule on Friday and made an appointment for you so that we can check and see how your little kid's doing."

"That was nice of him," I said. "I'll have to remember to thank him."

"Alice, we're family," Edward reminded me. "This is the kind of thing families do for each other."

"I know," I said. "It's just… new, you know?"

Edward smiled stiffly and placed one hand on my shoulder. "I know… And here it is. This is where you'll be staying."

He motioned to a door. I put my hand on the knob.

"Sorry if it's not exactly great," he said. "Esme usually likes to decorate all the rooms in the house, but I guess this one was kind of forgotten."

But I knew it would be perfect. And unsurprisingly enough, it was.

It was all white, spotless, and open. The entire back wall was a window that allowed a view of the forest and mountains beyond the house. I slipped off my shoes and squished the soft carpet between my toes. The room was plain and simple; a blank canvas.

"I hope it's okay," Edward said, setting my suitcase next to the door.

"It's perfect," I said, falling backwards on the bed. It was soft. I knew it'd be soft.

Edward laughed and ran his fingers through his hair before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. It was then that I noticed the second door in the room. Taped to it was a note. I approached it and squinted at the small writing.

_Alice,_

_Edward mentioned to me you hadn't many clothes to choose from. So I took the liberty of buying you some new ones. I settled on an extra small for most, and I figured you'd be the same shoe size as me. I hope you like them._

_-Esme_

I opened the door and was stunned into silence. I didn't know how to react. It was a large, walk-in closet. The entire thing was probably larger than our dorm room. Racks of clothing in garment bags lined each wall and dozens of shoe boxes were stacked here and there on top of one another. I scanned the labels on the bags and boxes, reading designer names I'd never heard of. Gucci, Prada, Jimmy Choo, Channel… **(AN: I think I misspelled at least one of those. I fail at fashion; so sorry.) **I fought back the urge to cry. I wasn't used to being taken care of; I wasn't used to having others support me. I was used to supporting myself.

I couldn't have possibly tried on all the clothes, but the ones I did try, I loved more than I could possibly express. They all fit as if they'd been made for me. The shoes were about a half size too large, but I didn't mind it a bit. It was all so beautiful. I was twirling around the room in a long sleeved white shirt, navy blue vest, ultra skinny jeans, and black heels when Rose walked in.

"Ooh, she bought you clothes, too?" Rose squealed. "They're fabulous, aren't they?" She spun herself around and admired her grey, form-fitting jacket, white knit scarf, straight-leg jeans, and black platform heels.

"You look stunning, Rose." I smiled. Esme was too kind. I wondered if she'd extended the same hand of niceness to Bella. I was sure she had. And I was sure Rose probably wouldn't like that.

"Edward told me that you're getting your first ultrasound this week," she said. "Are you gonna find out if it's a girl or a boy?" She fluffed her hair in the mirror and tried out a sassy, smile-with-your-eyes look as she reapplied lip gloss.

"I think I just might," I said. "I don't want that to be a surprise. It makes it easier to prepare."

"You're so practical," Rose said, rolling her eyes and capping her lip gloss. "Live a little, huh? What's life without some surprise?"

"I think I've had _enough _surprises in my lifetime, thanks," I said coldly. "Like maybe the surprise of finding out that I was pregnant by some dumbass guy!"

"Hey, that's my brother you're talking about," Rosalie said, narrowing her eyes at me.

"Yeah, the brother who counts you as dead when he's talking about his family," I muttered. I hadn't meant for her to hear me. I hadn't meant for her to start crying, either. She stomped to the door.

"Your pregnancy hormones are really getting on my nerves," she said. She let out a weak sob, dried her eyes on her sleeve, and left. I collapsed onto my bed and screamed into a pillow. I faced the window. It was getting dark out. I could see the moon, and a few stars. I wiped away the involuntary tears and muttered two words.

"Damn bitch."


	9. Chapter 9

I never imagined I could ever be this happy.

Rose didn't stay mad at me for long, at Edward's kind urging, and I tried harder from then onward to keep my temper in check.

As the days went on, I kept getting hungrier. By the afternoon of Thanksgiving day, with the smell of Esme's wonderful cooking filling the air, the noises my stomach was making could very well have been my baby screaming for the source of the delicious aroma.

_My _baby.

_His _baby.

No, this wasn't his baby. This baby had nothing to do with him. This baby didn't need him as a father figure.

I could hear Bella calling me from the next room. Such a sweet girl, she was. Her and Edward were perfectly matched, and I was secretly jealous. Not jealous that she had Edward, of course not. Gross. No; jealous of what they had.

I could have had this with _him_. We could have been together, as happy as Edward and Bella. _He_ could be here, meeting my family, reuniting with his sister, kissing me before going to sleep every night and holding my stomach the way I saw men do in movies, and maybe even placing a ring on my finger...

I shook away the thoughts as the familiar pain started developing in my chest, the pain that made me sick. I had to stop thinking about _him_. All it did was make things hurt more.

"Coming, Bells!" I said loudly, closing my copy of _To Kill a Mocking Bird _and standing from my chair. I moved my tea cup under the desk lamp in a silly attempt to keep it warm and started out the room. I looked wistfully in the mirror on my way out, silently noting my significantly larger stomach. Carlisle said it was the second trimester weight gain kicking in. I didn't mind; I was just happy the morning sickness was gone.

I tried my hardest to ignore everything else about my reflection. My face, my body… I still saw myself bruised up, scarred hard, cheeks stained with tears, eyes screaming out a need for death. I hated myself, hated seeing who I was in the mirror.

But I loved my child, my family, my friends, and I loved the newfound hope that burned within me. Maybe one day I could learn to love who I was, and learn to not cringe at the sight of myself.

But, for now, I found it difficult to look in a mirror. The only reason I didn't look away was because I forced myself to acknowledge the fact that my hair was inching its way past my shoulders now. I planned to grow it out, hopefully having it at least mid-back by my birthday in April. My short hair, though having been a part of me since as long as I could remember, was too iconic. What if I ran into my father in the future? My mother? Cynthia? Or… even _him_? I wouldn't want them to remember me; to know who I was.

It would be much safer to grow my hair out. Besides, maybe now I could finally put my hair in that braid I'd always dreamed of. Though the idea of long hair didn't seem like it fit who I was at _all_, I decided it would be a good idea to try it out.

"Alice!" Bella called again. I hurried to her bedroom, surprised when I didn't see her standing inside.

"Bella?" I said, hesitantly making my way through the room. "Bella?"

"Argh!" I heard her grunt, followed by a loud crash muffled by, what I presumed was, carpet. I followed the sound to her closet, where she sat on the floor rubbing her head surrounded by a multitude of shoe boxes.

I smiled slightly. "Are you okay?" I asked, walking over to help her. Placing one hand on my back for support, I knelt down next to her and took a box off of her stomach.

"Yeah," she muttered, still rubbing at her head. "I was hoping you could help me decide what to wear for tonight." She smiled sheepishly. "I was trying to get the shoe boxes down to make it easier for you."

I laughed. "Oh, Bella, you didn't have to do that," I said, placing a pair of Christian Louboutin heels in their rightful spot. "I can see the top of your closet. I'm not blind, and I'm certainly not that short!"

Bella's cheeks turned red. I laughed again. In the past week, my fashion sense had developed so much, it beat Rose's by a mile. I could even go as far to say that opinion was quite the understatement. Rose referred to me as the _Overnight Fashionista_. I considered majoring in some sort of fashion photography, seeing as I grew more in love with clothing and things of the like by the second. Maybe I could teach myself to make clothes; that would be nice… custom outfits for my child. My head was alight with possibilities.

"Alice?" Bella said timidly. "You still with me?"

I shook my head. "Nope," I said, popping the last syllable. "I left a couple minutes ago. Didn't you notice?"

We laughed together, and I found myself relishing in how natural it was all getting; the happiness, the smiles, the laughter. A year ago, when I was stuck working as a garbage girl at a McDonald's, barely making enough money for food and sleeping in train stations because I couldn't afford rent anymore after five months, I would have laughed in the face of whoever told me I would soon find family, friendship, and an entirely new life.

Normally, I would have picked something extravagant, elaborate, and overall completely glamorous for even this family dinner, but, since it was _Bella_ I was dressing, I picked a solid-colored, knee-length navy blue dress with cap sleeves and a slight v-neck from the rack in the closet.

"This would look beautiful on you," I said, handing it to her. "Edward won't be able to resist."

Her cheeks flushed. "Right," she said, visibly flustered. "What about Carlisle and Esme?"

My lips puckered confusedly. "I'm sure they won't be able to resist, either…?"

"No, no!" she said, turning even redder. "That's not what I meant, Alice, you know that."

"Oh, I know." I rolled my eyes. "Bells, you can't still be wondering if they like you or not!" I shook my head. "Honestly, you are much too hard on yourself."

"As if you're not," Bella huffed. I stared at her with wide eyes, the dress held limply by my side.

"I've seen the way you look at yourself," she said softly. "When you walk by a mirror, or even a window. I know what you think about yourself. You hate yourself, and I'm not going to pretend I understand why, but I think I have an idea."

Her voice softened even more, to the point where I had to basically hold my breath to hear her.

"I've seen the bruises on your neck," she said. "And I know what it is you try so hard to hide on your arms. I saw them when we went to the park. The sun hit you in a certain way, and your arms weren't crossed like they usually are." Her eyes were cast down on her hands. "You have a lot of scars," she said. "They're very dim, and I can't see them without a really bright light. I don't expect you to tell me what they're from or even why they're there."

I was stunned silent. I felt as though all the blood were draining from my body, leaving me cold and paler than usual. Bella's warm brown eyes finally looked up at me. I knew I could trust her, and I knew she didn't know if my secrets were something she wanted to be trusted with.

"But I just want to let you know that you're so much better than you give yourself credit for," she said. "You're a fantastic person, and I honestly love you. I don't like the way you see yourself, but, I have to admit, it makes me want to see _myself_ in a different light." She smiled subtly. "If you ever need me, I'm here for you, Alice."

I dropped the dress on the bed and threw myself at Bella, hugging her as tightly as my body could manage. She stiffened at the sudden contact, before gently patting my back.

"Thank you," I said, one tear slipping down my face.

"I always wanted a sister," she breathed quietly.

"So did I," I said. Cynthia had never been a sister to me. Ever. "Now I have two; you and Rosalie."

She pulled back, and I saw that she was biting her lip. "Speaking of Rose…" Bella looked away. "She hates me."

"No, no, no! No she doesn't!" I assured her. "Rose is just…" Jealous. Extremely jealous. Or was jealous. I couldn't be sure anymore; Rose and Emmett got closer and closer by the second, and even though it was extremely obvious that they both felt _something _for each other, she still hadn't been regarding Bella as anything more than what she had the first day they'd met.

"She just hates me." Bella grimaced.

My lips twisted. "Don't worry about that," I said, looking at the clock. "It's getting late. Put on the dress; it's gorgeous, and you'll look even more gorgeous in it. I'll find you shoes and some jewelry while you're at it, and then I'll do your hair and makeup. How does that sound?"

"Terrifying," she laughed. "I'll go get dressed."

I smiled as she took the dress and headed toward the bathroom, but the second she was gone, I looked out the window and let the tears flow.

I didn't like having to face the excruciating memories, but it was unavoidable anytime someone noticed a scar, or witnessed a tear, or something of the like. I looked out at the moon as rivers of tears streamed down my cheeks, silently wondering if he was out there, somewhere, looking up at the same night sky.

Silently wondering if he was out there, somewhere, thinking of me.


	10. Chapter 10

My eyes scanned the sky in front of me. The moon was high and the stars surrounding it shone brighter than ever before on a November night in New York City.

An unlit cigarette hung out of my mouth. I hadn't been able to bring myself to smoke since the last time I'd seen her. My head turned slightly, and I saw the package of cocaine in the corner, unopened.

I couldn't break the promises I made to her. I just couldn't.

It wasn't safe to be sitting on the window ledge of my apartment. I could barely see the ground below me when I cast my eyes downward. I was on the very top floor of the building. One wrong shift of movement would send me over the edge.

But I wasn't worried about falling. I was worried about what; no, _who _I'd fallen for. Her.

Alice.

Even thinking her name sent a blade straight through my chest.

My hands, frozen from the cold, nimbly pulled her picture out of my pocket. I held it up to the moonlight. Her eyes, oh how I loved those eyes, stared back at me, sad and alone.

I wondered where she was now. She told me she'd be attending the Institute of Photography. It wasn't even a half hour walk from my place. I could so easily go there in the morning and see her; take her into my arms and cure her of all the pain she'd been caused in her lifetime.

But of course I couldn't do that. I left her, and I knew she hated me for it. Was it for the best that she hated me? Perhaps it was.

I was no longer an alcoholic, no longer a drug addict. But I would forever be tainted by my past.

She deserved better.

If she hated me, then she would be safe. If we ever crossed paths again, she would keep walking, not even turning her head to look at me.

It was for the best.

But, still, I wrestled with the idea of going to NYIP, just to see her, maybe even say hello, or even give her a friendly wave.

Of course, that was ridiculous. How did I know she even remembered what I looked like? For all I knew, she'd ripped up the picture I'd left her and never looked back on the few charged moments we spent together.

For all I knew, she was with another man now. A man who could cure her of her past without having to worry about tending to his own wounds at the same time.

My eyes memorized every line of her face from the photo; each twist of her lips and emotion in her eyes was being carved deep into my mind.

A quick wind pulled the picture from my grasp, and I almost jumped from my seat after it. I pulled my knees to my chest, letting my hair fall in front of my eyes as I realized that the last I had of my sweet, wonderful Alice was gone.

My mind kept going over the memories of her smile, her laugh, her voice, her eyes, every curve of her body… I would do anything to keep from forgetting.

My eyes locked with the moon, and, against my better judgment, I found myself wondering if she was somewhere out there, smiling and happy, looking up at the same night sky with her hand entwined with that of another.

The more selfish part of me imagined strangling the person that other hand belonged to… and hoped she was somewhere out there, thinking of me.


	11. Chapter 11

I hadn't realized just how hungry I was until I entered the dining room.

The table was long and wide, easily providing enough room for dozens of plates overflowing with food.

Just as I was about to start drooling, Esme bumped into me from behind.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, spinning to face me. She set down the stack of plates she was carrying. "I am so sorry, Alice, I had no idea you were there!"

I smiled. "You didn't hit me _that _hard, Esme," I said. "I'm fine. Would you like some help with the plates?"

"If you don't mind," she said, exhaling sharply. "I haven't even started on the pie and I still need to get dressed!"

"Well, anything you'll let me do I'm glad to help out with," I said.

"Thank you," she said gratefully, sighing in relief at having some work taken off her shoulders. "You can start with the plates; meet me in the kitchen once you're done with that."

I nodded and got to work as soon as she turned away. I'd just picked up the stack of plates when Esme's voice stopped me.

"Oh, I almost forgot," she said. I turned to see her standing in the doorway. "Make sure to eat a _lot _of spinach tonight, Alice. The iron is good for the baby."

I pressed one hand to my stomach and smiled. "Will do, Esme," I said. "Thanks."

She smiled one last time before hurrying away. I heard her curse at the oven seconds later.

Shaking my head in amusement, I went around the table putting the plates down. My eyes skimmed over the steaming hot food set out in front of me, and my stomach growled.

_Taking one little piece of bread won't hurt anyone_.

I reached out and decided on a biscuit. I took a small bite of it before devouring it without thinking.

So. Good.

I took another biscuit from the bread basket. Before I put it to my mouth, my eyes fell on a bowl filled with a sweet smelling substance. I took a spoonful and lathered it on the bread. I almost moaned when the taste hit my tongue. When did food start tasting so delicious?

"Hungry?" a familiarly sarcastic voice said from behind me just as I was about to try the green beans. I hiccuped.

"Just a bit," I said, rolling my eyes. "Did you come here to make fun of me?"

Rose laughed. "Of course not," she said. I noticed her cheeks were especially pink. She was biting her lip like a little girl. I raised my eyebrows.

"Something up?" I asked. She nodded, still biting her lip, and sat down. I put the plates to the side and took a seat next to her.

"Oh, Alice!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Emmett is so wonderful! He's what I've been missing out on my entire life! If only I'd realized sooner that guys this wonderful existed…"

As she sighed contentedly, her finger tracing unknown patterns in the tablecloth. In the brief moment her eyes locked with mine, I noticed that this was the first time she had been truly happy since I'd known her. I'd never seen that look on her face. It was a real smile for once, unclouded by any worries she kept in the back of her mind.

It was the look I'd seen on _his _face when we were together. I pushed the painful memory out of my head.

I didn't want to ask if she still had feelings for Edward, and I really didn't have to. I could tell that, as long as Emmett was around, it would be "Edward, who?" I regretted not spending much time with Emmett during the week we'd been there; but who knows? Maybe bonding time with his adoptive cousin would've kept him from Rose, and I knew I didn't want to do that.

"He said he wants to stop traveling for a while," she continued with a slight, dreamy laugh. "He's planning on asking Edward if he can share his apartment in New York."

I smiled at her. She looked up at me, a line of confusion creasing her forehead.

"Do you think this is crazy?" she asked me. "I just met him, and he's willing to put down everything to follow me to New York, and I'm willing to let him. I'm putting aside all my traumas… everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. I'm letting myself forget all of it for him, and I've known him for less than a week!"

I put my hand on hers, knowing it was the gesture that comforted her most. She stared at me, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah," I said. "Yeah, I think it's crazy. Extremely crazy. Totally and completely insane, even." We both laughed. I squeezed her hand and gave her a wicked smile. "That's _exactly _how I know it's a good idea."

She sighed. "You really think so?"

"Rose," I said. "Honestly. You've been waiting for a guy like him to come along all your life, and avoided everyone who _wasn't _like him. He's the only 'him' you're going to find."

Rosalie beamed confidently. "You're right," she said. "You're absolutely right." She leaned over and squeezed me tightly. "You're absolutely wonderful, Alice!"

I gasped for breath. "The... absolutely… wonderful… Alice… can't… breathe…"

"Oh!" she gasped, pulling back immediately. "Sorry about that. I forget how fragile you are."

"I am _not _fragile," I protested.

"Fine," she said, rolling her eyes. "I forget what a fragile _state _you're in. That better?"

"A bit," I laughed.

"Oh, I almost forgot why I actually came here," she said, standing up. "You go upstairs and get ready. I'll help Esme for the time being."

I looked down and realized that I was still wearing the same clothes I'd gone to sleep in the night before.

"Shit," I muttered. "I didn't even realize." I gave Rose a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Rosie!" I said, and darted out of the room before she could protest her hatred of the nickname.

I showered quickly, put a towel in my hair, flung one over my shoulder, and wrapped myself in a silk robe before heading to my closet. I hung the extra towel over the mirror and turned my back to it.

I'd known exactly what I wanted to wear tonight since the first day I stepped into this closet. The style ran a bit tight, but not tight enough to be uncomfortable. Aside from the baby weight, I was mostly skin and bones, after all. I made it a mental point to ask Carlisle for some healthy ways to gain weight. I admired Esme's maternal roundness; it made her seem kinder, more approachable. I figured maybe gaining some of that, with the addition of longer hair, would help me look like an actual human being instead of a zombie for the first time in my life.

The dress was simple; halter, white, knee-length, as tight as it could be from the straps to the hem. The side-zipper was fantastic, seeing as it stopped me from having to call out to Bella, Rosalie, or Esme for assistance.

I was surprisingly comfortable in the dress, though I didn't know if I'd be able to say the same for the shoes I planned to wear with it.

I'd never really worn high heels before, but the cherry red, six-inch Pradas were so beautiful, I couldn't possibly resist.

I sat them next to me while I dried and flat ironed my hair, and put on the lipstick Rose had let me borrow.

Finally, I couldn't delay it any longer. I slipped on the shoes and placed one hand on the dresser and one hand on the door knob in case I needed to balance myself.

"One," I whispered to myself. "Two." I bent my knees. "Three."

I pulled myself up, surprising myself when I didn't immediately totter back into my seat. I let go of my supports and stood up, feeling like I was at a normal height for once.

_Victory is mine!_

I took a few steps around my room. Walking was a bit uncomfortable at first; it felt like my baby belly was pulling me forward. But once I got the hang of it, it was simple. Like breathing.

I laughed to myself, not because I found something amusing, but because I needed to let out the joy.

A year ago, breathing would have been the _last _thing on my list of easy things to do. I looked down at my arms, and with a bittersweet look painted on my face remembered what would have been the first.

Reluctantly, I pulled the towel off the mirror.

I'd expected some sort of moment where I'd look at my reflection for the first time and see a new, stronger woman emerging.

But I was wrong. I saw nothing but the same girl who'd been abused by her parents, nearly destroyed by her sister, cut out her weight in blood, attempted suicide multiple times, and burned away the pain.

All I saw was the fifteen year old girl who'd been raped and beaten by a man she'd given her heart to; the girl who made the same mistake four years later and let herself be manipulated and hurt by a guy she'd barely known.

I saw all this covered by a fake front of bravery, a pretty dress, and unconditional love for her family, her baby, and a man who she should hate.

I didn't realize I was crying until I heard Esme's voice calling everyone for dinner.

I threw the towel back over the mirror, dried my face, and took a few deep breaths before exiting the room.

From the top of the stairs, I could see that I was the only person missing. I hurried and took my seat at the edge of the left side of the table, next to Edward. He and Bella were holding hands underneath the table. I looked to the other side of the table and saw Rosalie and Emmett doing the same. Carlisle sat at the head of the table with Esme to his right. He glanced down at her, and in that instance, even a blind man could have seen how much they loved each other.

_It's just you and me_, I thought to my baby. _I hope you're alright with that. I need one of us to be._

"Took you a while," Edward whispered to me.

"I know, I'm sorry," I said back. "I'm not familiar with this. Is there some kind of… ritual?"

Edward chuckled. "Ritual? Nah," he said. "Carlisle just says a few words; gives thanks, you know. That's why it's called Thanksgiving." He winked at me. I smiled and rolled my eyes.

"No shit," I teased softly.

He grinned. "After that, we just eat. Your favorite part," he joked.

My eyes fell on the biscuits. Oh, yes. Definitely my favorite part.

"Alright, I can hear stomachs growling, so I'll make this quick."

Carlisle's words sent a small laugh around the table. Rose glanced at me with a teasing smile on her face. I stuck my tongue out at her when I was sure no one was watching.

It was so easy to be happy around these people, even after my little episodes. I didn't think it was due to the hormones, and I knew I wasn't bipolar. No; my family and friends were special. Of that much I was certain.

"For the past few years since Edward and Emmett left home, it's been Esme and me alone on holidays," Carlisle said. "We would have never guessed that in such a short amount of time, we would be joined, not only by our boys again, but by two new faces," he grinned at Rosalie and Bella, "and by a face we never thought we'd see again.

"So, on this Thanksgiving, I am sure we are all grateful for being surrounded by such wonderful people, with a roof over our heads, food on our plate, and love in our hearts."

His words were so simple, but he gave them a meaning no one else could. I was sure that if anyone else had stood up and said what Carlisle had just said, it wouldn't have sounded half as great. Carlisle had a certain presence about him that bestowed light and strength upon anyone who came in contact with him.

"So, now, I suppose, without any further delay…"

"Actually, I'd like to say a few words."

The statement flew out of my mouth, and before I'd really registered what I just said, I was standing from my chair.

"Oh," Carlisle said, surprised. "Well… of course, Alice." He sat down and gave me an encouraging smile. Once I was standing, I was overwhelmed with the kind of nervousness one would feel if they were giving a speech on national television.

"Um. Hi." _Wow. Nice one, Alice. _I smiled, hoping to ease the nerves and cover up for the cheesy opening.

"Growing up, I never had a family," I said. "I grew up confined, never knowing when holidays were or even if they had passed yet or not. I would have never imagined that, one day, I would be sitting at a table surrounded by people that love and support me, and that I loved back. I would have never imagined that one day, I would have a family, and friends, and…" I placed both my hands on my stomach as my eyes swam with tears. "And a little bundle of joy on the way that I wouldn't have to fear raising on my own."

I spoke through a wide smile and blinked away a tear that was dangerously close to falling.

"I am so, so, eternally grateful that my luck has turned, and that I don't have to be alone anymore. Thank you to all of you." I looked from person to person; loved one to loved one, letting each of them know just how much I appreciated the fact that they were by my side.

"I don't know where I'd be without you."

The words were hushed but I knew everyone heard them. Edward squeezed my hand, and Rose looked up at me through tear-filled eyes. I knew that the night she found me with blood covering my arms, she would have never imagined that I'd be there, as happy as I was, and so utterly thankful to be alive.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hey guys :3 Just letting you know, you're gonna have a couple time skips in the next few chapters. It's either that, or months/years worth of fillers that no one wants to read and I don't want to write.**

**I start school on September 7th. Here's hoping I can update at least once more before then (:**

**_Five months later; April 13__th_**

"Rose, let me sleep," I moaned, pressing a pillow over the top of my head to shield the afternoon light that was pouring in through the dormitory window. "Please. I'm pregnant; I need rest."

I could practically hear her eyes roll. "That's what you've been saying for the past half hour. We're going to be late."

I sat up in my bed, squinting at Rose, annoyed, through the corner of my eye.

"Come on," I whined. "You woke me up at seven in the morning to go shopping for an outfit for the baby shower - "

"Which you enjoyed," she reminded me.

" - and you didn't even let me nap for an hour. Just five more minutes. Please."

"No," Rosalie said firmly. "Get up. I'm not scared to use force."

"Yeah, I know you're not," I laughed. That was the only way she _could _get me out of bed lately, even for my classes, which I was loving more and more as the days went by, no matter how hard it was to stay awake due to fatigue.

As my ninth month - my last, thank God - started its third week, I was just so exhausted. I'd already been pushing through this for eight months; I didn't know if I could handle even two more weeks.

"Get dressed," Rose said, pulling me up out of bed. "I left your clothes on the chair in the closet. And please hurry. We should've left ten minutes ago."

I rolled my eyes as I locked myself in the closet. "I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying," I muttered. I could hear her pacing outside the door. "Patience is a virtue, Rose, honey," I said louder, giggling to myself. She didn't answer.

It was a bit of a struggle to get into my dress. We could only find it in a size suited for the mid-second trimester, so if I wasn't naturally tiny, it probably wouldn't have fit at all. Of course, I could have gone with something else. But this one was just so _cute_. The whole looks-before-comfort thing was growing on me, much to Bella's dismay.

I pursed my lips at how I wouldn't be able to play Barbie with her today; she'd insisted she pick out her own outfit for the baby shower. I hoped I taught her well enough that she wouldn't wear jeans and a t-shirt.

The baby shower. Alright, so, it was more of just a small get together where Rose, Bella, Edward, Emmett, and I would sit around, eat, watch old movies, eat, talk, eat, laugh, and eat. Oh, and eat.

Carlisle and Esme had wanted to fly out for it, but I'd insisted against it. Carlisle's work was more important, and it would've been impractical for them to spend all that money to stay for just a couple of days.

I sucked in a breath as my baby started kicking. It didn't hurt as much as Esme said it would, but that didn't mean it was a very pleasant experience. Once it passed, I was able to laugh to myself and pat my stomach gently.

_Be thankful_, I thought jokingly, _you get to sleep for another two weeks._

I felt another gentle, almost playful, kick, as though my baby were responding to my thoughts. It seemed as though it did that a lot.

_It. _I didn't like calling it that, but I'd decided against finding out the gender. As if I hadn't had enough surprises in my lifetime already.

Still a day didn't go by that I didn't think of him. Rose was much less desperate to get her brother back now that she had all of us, especially Emmett. She would've moved in with him already, but she didn't want to leave me to have to room with someone I didn't know. They'd already made arrangements to travel the world together once school was over for her, though. He even let it slip to me that he wanted to propose to her when they traveled to Paris. I was more surprised at the fact that he was willing to wait that long than at him wanting to marry her. They were as in love as anyone could be, much like Edward and Bella, who were already sharing an apartment and happier than they'd ever been.

It was easy to feel left out at times; like a third, or in my case, fifth wheel. I didn't really mind, though, surprisingly. I wasn't alone; no, I was far from it. I had my family, which was still as shocking as it was all those months ago, my friends, and, soon enough, I would have my baby.

But I wouldn't have _him. _I collapsed into a chair as I put on my shoes, but it wasn't from lack of balance.

Living in New York, it was hard to avoid places if you had to get somewhere, especially since I was too tired to walk longer distances and too paranoid to take a cab. Yeah, I'd seen one movie where a girl was kidnapped by a taxi driver and never set foot in one again. Mock me. Go ahead. I got enough of that from Rose.

Therefore, I found myself walking by places that caused silent tears to roll down my cheeks more often then I would like. The place I met _him_, the building where _he_ used to live… Once, I even thought I saw himsitting on a windowsill. I hated my mind. It played awful tricks on me.

I had no way of knowing if he still lived in that building, let alone in the city. For all I knew, he could be on the run from the law for having illegal drugs and hiding somewhere in Australia. He might have spiraled back into rehab… I tried not to think about that.

I tried not to think about it, but that was getting harder and harder as the days went by. It was getting harder not to wonder. Would my baby look exactly like him, a daily reminder of what he did to me? Or would it bear no resemblance, looking only like me, like its mother? I wasn't sure which would be worse.

Appraising my reflection in the mirror, I decided it wasn't awful. The one-shoulder, floral dress hung on my large - very large- maternal figure nicely. Of course, Rose had tried to make me wear flats, but I couldn't give up the heels; especially not the brilliant blue ones I was wearing. They were my favorites.

"Ready," I said, stepping out from the closet where Rose immediately sat me down in a chair, wheeling me to face the mirror. I wasn't surprised. I should have known she'd want to mess with my hair. It was already down to the middle of my back. The length was two weeks early; I hadn't expected it to be so long until my birthday.

"I really miss your short hair," Rosalie said as she fumbled with my hair. She took a brush from the top of a dresser, pulling it through the tangles. "Layers are such bitches when they get long. Why'd you grow it out, anyway? I thought you liked it short."

I shrugged nonchalantly, like I'd trained myself to do if someone asked. "It was time for a change," was my automatic response.

After a few more minutes, she was done. She hadn't done much; just parted it more to the side, made a small braid, and pinned it back.

I didn't like my hair long very much. Rose was right. The grown out layers weren't something I wanted to deal with. But my hair had a healthy shine now; I'd even gotten bangs at Esme's urging. My weight was evening out for the first time in my life; my skin didn't look like it was nearly clinging to my bones anymore, and that was all very well.

I didn't look like myself. There'd be no chance of anyone from my past recognizing me. Hell, I could barely recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. Walking down the street, I could have been any black haired, green eyed girl.

That was a good thing… right? Right. Of course it was. It was a brilliant thing.

Rose shoved a small red purse containing essentials into my hand; pepper spray, emergency money, cell phone, mirror.

"Alright, I think we're good to go," she said. "I'll call Emmett and tell him we're on our way."

At least she had a conversation to distract her as we walked down the hallway. I had half a mind to pull out my phone and pretend to check emails or something in order to ignore the stares. You'd think after nine months people would get used to seeing me and my huge stomach plowing through the halls. Nope. The stares and whispers were just as bad as they'd always been. Sometimes I could swear I was in high school again. Girls were so fucking catty.

"Careful, guys, you don't want her water to break all over your shoes."

I stopped in my tracks, sucking in my cheeks and turning around.

"Cool it, Stanley," I murmured.

"Make me, Cullen."

Jessica Stanley belonged in a middle school. She was immature and acted like she was the damn queen bee or something, even though she was a year ahead of me. Punching her in the face would have done nothing but good at that point.

Before I could even open my mouth to say anything, or try to convince myself to make my hand into a fist, Rose, with her middle finger right in Jessica's face, wheeled me back around and kept walking.

"I hate her," I muttered at the same time Rose said, "Sorry, Emmett. Bitch trouble," into her phone.

You'd think a university would be free of such childish behavior. I sighed as Rose snapped her phone closed.

"He's already at Edward and Bella's place," she informed me. "And he says not to worry; Bella's even wearing heels for you."

She snickered playfully, and I found it hard to believe Rose had ever had any ill feelings for Bella… or any romantic feelings for Edward. Rose came clean to Bella about everything two months before and, after having her swear she wouldn't breathe a word of it to Edward, warmed up to her considerably. Even though Bella still seemed kind of scared of Rose, which I shamelessly found hilarious. Rose was like a lap dog; really loud, high pitched barks when she didn't get her way, but infinitely harmless.

At that moment, she was being the annoying lap dog, and although I didn't understand fearing her, I understood feeling a bit of annoyance.

"Why can't we just take a damn cab?" Rose was whining. "Or even the Subway?"

"Subways are dirty and cabs will get us abducted," I stated simply. "Don't argue with me; I'm pregnant," I tacked on as a joke.

She pouted and crossed her arms. Two blocks later, I bought her a new pair of sunglasses from a street vendor. She smiled and stopped whining, putting them on and thanking me three times.

"Good dog," I chuckled. She didn't hear me.

Bella and Edward's apartment was on the ground floor of a large, brick building. The street was adorable, in my opinion; lined with trees and other brick estates that were identical while, at the same time, being completely unique. A little market was about three blocks down, and an all female restaurant and bar with drag queens as waitresses stood on the corner, flashing a neon pink sign at passerby. We'd taken Rose there for her birthday in February. Funniest. Night. Ever.

We took the stairs down to Edward and Bella's floor, heading to the very end of the hall. The second Rose's knuckles touched the door, we heard the familiar barking from inside.

"Jacob, shush," Bella's voice said. "It's just Alice and Rose. I'll give you a bone in a sec if you stop barking!"

She opened the door, greeting us both with a small smile before she turned to glare at Jacob, her russet colored Border Terrier they'd adopted from a shelter in March. I didn't like him too much; he needed too much attention and, no matter how much Bella seemed to wash him, he always smelled awful. No one else had a problem with him, though, so I kept my mouth shut and gave him a pat on the head.

"There you guys are!" Emmett bounded into the small area surrounding the entrance. He put his arm around Rosalie and gave her a kiss. "I thought you'd never make it."

"We would've made it sooner," Rose said, "but someone is still afraid of cabs and is too scared of germs for the Subway." She stared pointedly at me. A mental image of giving her one of Jacob's bones and throwing a squeaky toy for her to chase kept me smiling.

Emmett shook his head teasingly. "Oh, Alice," he said, "how do you get anywhere in this city?"

"It's called walking, Em," Bella laughed. "We do it all the time. You should try it some day."

"Some day," Emmett agreed. I giggled.

"Where's Edward?" I asked. I didn't see him inside.

"He's out there," Bella said, pointing at the glass sliding door. "Firing up the grill." She put Jacob on the floor. I hadn't even realized she'd picked him up. He hurried away, wagging his tail.

The apartment was decorated with pastel streamers and balloons. There was a stack of movies the five of us loved, as well as a few I hadn't seen before, piled next to the small television. A detailed cake shaped like a small stroller stood proudly on a table. I wondered how much money they'd splurged to buy it; it looked like it would've been really expensive, but I bet it was delicious. The sight of the cake, plus the scent of food wafting in through the sliding glass door was making my mouth water. I couldn't wait to get my hands on some food.

"Add this one to the pile, Bells," Rose said, pulling out a square package wrapped in pink paper and green ribbon and handing it to Bella. "I forgot to drop this one off last week."

My eyes fell on a table I'd completely missed, distracted by my cravings. It was piled high with gifts, large and small. It was so full, many were on the floor because there wasn't enough room.

"I thought I said no presents!" I gasped. It was way too much.

"You did," Rose confirmed. "We just didn't listen. Neither did Carlisle and Esme. There's a few from that nice girl, Angela Webber, too. She gave them to me to give to you. She didn't want to come, though; guess she understood it was more of a family thing."

"I don't even know her that well," I said, marveling at the phrase _a few_. "And isn't she one of Jessica's friends?"

"Friends," Rose said, putting air quotes around the word. "She hates her high school antics about as much as we do. I think they've known each other forever, though, and she just doesn't know how to get rid of her." Rosalie shrugged, flopping onto the couch with Emmett as Bella and I went out the door. No one wanted to be around when Rose and Em got… _cozy._

"Hey, Alice," said Edward over the sizzling of the grill when he saw me. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, like a week," I laughed. I gave him a tight squeeze, careful not to knock anything over with my giant stomach.

"Do you like the cake?" he asked. "Bella had me draw it up and sent it to a cake artist. Turned out pretty wicked, huh?"

"I love it, Edward," I said honestly. "Can't wait to taste it." I licked my lips.

"It's red velvet cake," Bella said, smiling and bending down to pet Jacob. I grimaced subconsciously at the dog, even though the thought of red velvet cake made me want to go weak in the freaking knees with desire. "Your favorite. I even made sure the baker used the traditional southern recipe, with cream cheese frosting and everything, just how you like it."

I grinned in delight, even though a painful twinge emerged in my chest at the word _southern. _It reminded me of him; the slight twang to his honey voice…

"I'm gonna go make sure Rose and Emmett aren't destroying our apartment with their sexual tendencies," Bella said casually. I rolled my eyes internally. Once the thought of someone messing up an entire apartment because of having wild sex was no longer surprising, there was obviously a problem. "Come on, Jake." Rose patted the back of her leg. Jacob followed her inside merrily.

"I hate that ruddy thing, too," Edward chuckled once Bella was out of earshot. "He stinks horribly, doesn't he?"

"Yes," I groaned. "And I thought I was the only one."

Edward shook his head. "Emmett doesn't have a problem with him, but Rose…" He snickered. "She despises the poor thing, ever since he knocked into a table and made that bowl of mashed potatoes fall into her hair back in December."

I laughed at the memory. She totally had it coming; who sits against the leg of a wobbly table, anyway?

"Bella adores him, though," he sighed, flipping three burgers and two hot dogs on the grill. "Lets him sleep in the bed when I'm not around. I have to have those sheets dry cleaned every week."

"Poor you," I teased, huffing in a breath as I felt the familiar nudging inside my stomach.

"Kicking?"

"Like a soccer player."

Edward chuckled and put more food on the grill. I stole a cooked shrimp from the bowl when he wasn't looking. I sat down on the edge of the planter that circled the patio, trying to savor the small snack, but I ended up devouring it quickly. So. Good.

I leaned back on my hands to survey my surroundings. I hadn't been in the patio before; Bella and Edward had barely moved in the month before, and I'd been to visit them once. It was a lovely little place; very homely and cozy. The apartment itself reflected the city well without having traffic jams or dirty floors; contemporary, classy, and subtly upscale.

Stepping onto the patio, however, was like stepping into a fairytale. Small, quiet flowers bloomed in the concrete planter and a romantically worn tile mosaic adorned the floor. The wooden, white swing on the far end had vines twisted around it. If Edward didn't have a grill and radio on a table, it would have easily been a place fit for a fantasy book.

"Too bad I dropped my contemporary photography classes," I said aloud. "This would be a nice place to shoot a couple of pictures."

"Well, maybe if you ever get your own line going, you can bring your models and shoot them here," Edward suggested.

"My own line," I laughed. "Yeah. Right. Good one, Eddie."

"It's not an impossibility," he said, shrugging. "I've seen some of your drawings, and the dress you made for Rose to wear to the Christmas party was phenomenal. The market's looking for people with your talent, Alice. You could probably get a job with one of those fashion magazines as a photographer once you finish school."

"Actually, Edward," I said tentatively. "Can you keep a secret?" He nodded and closed the lid on the grill, turning to face me, curiosity alight in his eyes.

"I don't think I'm going to finish school," I said. "Not here, anyway. I love this city, you know I do." That was slightly a lie. I loved it when I first came here, but the memories were too heavy and a loathing for the place was building inside me as the days went by. "But I don't think this is the right place to raise a child." I bit down on my lip. "I've actually been thinking about moving to Seattle, or even Forks, once the baby comes. It's much quieter over there. Since Esme and Carlisle are insisting on paying for all the medical stuff, I have enough money saved up to afford to move into a nice apartment or something over there."

There was something behind Edward's grin that I wasn't sure I liked. "That's convenient." His words meant more than what he was trying to let on. I glared at him. He smirked and turned away, refusing to look me straight in the eye.

"Food's ready!" Edward called out. "Come and get it!"

Sure enough, Emmett, Rosalie, and Bella with Jacob on her heels - gross - hurried outside. Edward handed them each an empty plate and told them to serve themselves. He handed me a plate already piled high with boat loads of everything.

"Thank you," I moaned, digging into the food without a second thought.

Rose pulled up a table the five of us shared, all sitting on the edges of the planter. It was an unusually sunny day in the city, and there wasn't so much as a drop of rain until half past six, once we'd finished all the food and were just sitting around and having a great time.

"What was that?" Rose said, rubbing at her nose and looking up at the sky.

It wasn't long before the ground was being painted with little droplets of rain, and not much longer after that were the five of us running inside, laughing and flicking water at each other from our fingertips, to escape the oncoming rain.

"Alright, well, looks like we have a few options now," Bella said, giggling as Jacob shook the water out of his fur. I craned my neck away. "We could have some of that cake, watch an old movie, or force Alice to open her presents."

"Can't we just do all three at the same time?" Emmett asked, eying me deviously. "As much as I love watching _A Walk to Remember _and _Titanic _a billion times, that cake is just calling me. And I can't be the only one who wants to make Alice open presents."

I grimaced. _No presents, I said_, I muttered to myself. _But do they listen? No. Of course not. There's an entire fucking table of them._

I was pushed onto the couch in front of the television as the table with cake - yum - and the table with presents were pulled to face me. Rose handed me a knife and a plate.

"To your baby's good health," she said, downing a pale gold liquid from an elegant glass as the knife in my hands cut through the cake.

I bit my lip. When was the last time I'd had a drink? I hadn't been a drunk for long; alcohol didn't seem to work as well as… my other methods, and I couldn't remember having ever had so much as a glass of wine after the day I threw my supply of beer out the window before I moved to New York.

Everyone watched eagerly as I placed a slice of cake on a plate for myself, wanting to see me take the first bite before they served themselves. I brought a piece to my mouth, having to stifle a slight groan as the flavor exploded in my mouth.

I put a thumbs up and collapsed on the couch, eating away as Emmett started passing around platefuls of cake to the others.

"Think fast, Alice."

A small square box came flying my way. I caught it in one hand, glaring at Edward as he sat down.

"That one's from me," Bella said timidly. "I do hope you like it, Alice."

I pulled the purple ribbon off, then the wrapping paper. Underneath was a small white box with curly gold writing I couldn't read.

"I know we have no idea what the gender of the baby is," Bella said hastily as I pulled the top off the box. "But I just have a feeling in the pit of my stomach it'll be a girl…"

Her gift showed as much. It was beautiful; a necklace of a small, green and purple fairy hanging from a silver chain.

"If it's a boy, you could always wear it yourself or something," said Bella, going slightly red in the face. "It wouldn't be too hard to get a slightly bigger chain - "

But I'd already turned my very large torso to the side so I could give her a hug. If I had a baby boy, he'd just have to put up with wearing it, if only for a few years.

_You wouldn't mind, right? _I thought teasingly, absentmindedly patting my round belly. I felt a small shift inside of me, but not a kick. I took this as a good sign.

Rose popped in an _I Love Lucy _DVD that I snuck a peek at during the few moments I was being cleared of wrapping paper before another present was thrown into my lap.

It was a pleasant evening, and I actually ended up enjoying myself, despite the fact that there were more gifts than Rose and I would be able to drag, and store, back at the dorm.

"We could always hold it here until you move into family housing, Alice," Bella suggested. "Or…" She smiled, and turned her head away from me. I decided not to ask.

Everyone seemed to have decided to put a theme upon the majority of the gifts they gave me. I wasn't very familiar with the honey-colored bear called Winnie the Pooh, or any of his supposed little animal friends, but I had seen them before, and, with a smile, I decided it would be good to expose my child to this, to all the things I never had.

"Finally," said Emmett when I'd opened the last of the presents (a leather bound book of fairytales I'd never heard of, but that looked really adorable nonetheless). "I thought it'd never end!"

"Not yet, it hasn't," Rose said, looking at him pointedly. A look of understanding crossed Emmett's face, one I tried not to notice. "There's just one more."

Amidst the wrapping paper and ribbons on the table, there was a square, green envelope Rose handed to me.

"From Carlisle and Esme," she informed me, winking. Edward threw me a glance, saying _That's convenient_, with his eyes.

There were two things inside the envelope, one a card, and one a large photo folded in half. I opened the card first.

_Alice,_

_Carlisle and I would have absolutely loved to be there, and I'm so sorry we couldn't. You're closing in on your ninth month, aren't you? Carlisle's confident the baby will be perfectly healthy, as am I. You still have the picture from the sonogram he gave you, right? I have Edward's framed somewhere; just thought you might want to do the same someday._

_I do hope you liked the smaller presents we got you._

"Smaller," I laughed, shaking my head.

_And I hope you'll like this one just as much. I didn't think you'd want to raise a child in that bustling city, and, hopefully assuming I'm correct, you'll find enclosed a picture of the home we bought for you. It's just a little ways off from Forks, and not too far from our house. I'm afraid you won't have any neighbors - it's in a secluded area, much like our place - but I hope you won't mind too much._

_Of course, if you do want to stay in the city, the house is yours for whenever you wish to visit it. Give our best to everyone. We love you Alice, so much. I know you'll be a great mother._

Tears welled in my eyes as, with shaking hands, I pulled the photo out of the envelope, unfolding it carefully.

It was like a smaller scale version of a manor, but still larger than any house I'd ever seen; it was easy to tell just how large it was, even by the picture. The dark roof stood tall, even taller than the large hedges growing around the mostly white house. I could see greenery growing up the walls and around the door, which was painted a very vivid color of red.

"It's beautiful," I whispered.

"And fully furnished," Edward informed me. "Esme's an interior designer. She's made sure no room in the house lacks her touch. She left the nursery mostly up to you, though. I think she said the walls were still bare in that room."

"And I can really move in…?"

"Whenever you want," Rose said, smiling broadly on Emmett's knee.

I couldn't help it. I let myself lay my head on Bella's lap, staring up at the ceiling with bewildered eyes. I'd never had so much as an actual bedroom growing up, and now I had an entire house. No amount of scars or terrible memories could suppress how elated I was feeling…

"It's getting dark out," said Edward. "You guys can't walk back to campus; you'll have to get a cab…"

"No," I said immediately through gritted teeth. "No cabs. I'd like to live to enjoy my new house." The last three words came as a whisper; I couldn't even believe it.

"Borrow my car, then," Edward insisted, tossing the keys to Rose. "Bring it back whenever. And… you know… _be really careful with it._"

I smiled. That silver Volvo was Edward's baby. I didn't know why he even had it; it was so near impossible to drive in this city.

"We could walk home faster," Rose huffed. "But fine." She pocketed the keys. "Thanks. Let me just help you guys clean up a bit first."

I moved to stand so I could help collect wrapping paper or anything to help, but Rose gave me a look that clearly said _Sit your ass down. _I crossed my arms and stuck my tongue out at her when she wasn't looking.

After much fussing and arguing, Bella insisted I take her sweater to keep myself warm.

"'Bye," I said to Edward after I'd hugged both Bella and Emmett. "Thanks so much for everything, you guys. And I don't think you'll have to keep my stuff here much longer." I laughed slightly and patted my stomach, trying not to let my hands shake. Every time I thought about labor, I got scared absolutely shitless.

"'Bye, guys," Rose said, waving and dragging me out of the apartment by my arm after giving Emmett a kiss.

"Drive safe," a voice behind us said as the door clicked closed.

"Ah, crap," Rose said once we were outside, feeling around in her pockets. "I left my phone inside. You don't mind waiting out here, do you?"

I looked around apprehensively, but shook my head. She smiled.

"'Kay. I'll just be a minute."

She hurried back into the building, and I leaned against the tree, pursing my lips. She could've at least opened the door to Edward's car for me.

There was a dog on the street corner. He looked fairly lost. I whistled, and he turned his head.

"Come here, boy," I said, snapping my fingers and smiling, even though I wasn't sure he was male. Once he got closer, I noticed he was, indeed, a boy; a shaggy little black pup with no collar. He stood enthusiastically on his hind legs, wagging his tail and panting. I pet his head carefully.

"You're not so bad, little fellow," I said, chuckling softly. "You don't stink at all. Do you have an owner?"

He chased his tail and licked my hand. I hadn't really been expecting an answer, anyway.

"I feel bad leaving you out here," I said to him, scratching just behind his ear and enjoying how he leaned into my hand. "Maybe I can convince Emmett to take you to his place. You're small. They'll let you in his apartment."

After a few more moments of the shaggy little dog shaking his tail and barking excitedly at me, I straightened, only to feel a slight pressure in my lower stomach, and a wet trail flowing down my leg.

My eyes widened. I touched my leg.

"Shit," I muttered. "Shit, shit, shit."

As though sensing something was wrong, the little dog started barking louder.

"Rose!" I called loudly, surely waking up half the street. "Rose, you better get out here!"


	13. Chapter 13

_**Four years later**_

I leaned against the sink, looking at my drained face in the mirror. My eyes flashed briefly to the clock. Four in the morning already? When had I come down? Midnight, hadn't it been?

I turned the water on, letting it wash away the previous day's breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if you could even call it that. I assumed most of it was acid. I couldn't remember having eaten an actual meal in weeks.

"Momma?" came a soft little voice from the doorway. "Are you sick?"

I froze, my hands clutching the counter. I forced a smile and turned off the water.

"No, of course not, honey," I said, crouching down and taking Lacey into my arms. I stroked her hair gently. "I'm not sick. Dinner… dinner just upset my tummy a bit."

Lacey scrunched up her face. "But you barely ate any dinner, Momma," she insisted. "Just a few crackers."

"Don't you worry about me," I said, kissing her softly on the forehead. "I'm fine, really. Now, you. You should be in bed, little missy."

I swung her up into my arms, despite the buzzing in my head at the sudden movement. The remnants of the vomit burned the back of my throat. I tried not to cough.

Lacey giggled as I ran up the stairs of our home in Forks and down the hallway, into her bedroom. I rolled onto her bed, letting her go so she rested on my arm, under one of her pillows.

"That's enough fun for one night, Lace," I said, laughing quietly. I brushed my nose against hers. "Go to sleep. It's your first day of daycare. I have to take you bright and early."

Lacey pouted. "Do you have to go to work, Momma? Why can't you stay home?"

I smiled sadly. Lacey thought that everyone should be on vacation, if only over the summer.

"I'll leave work early," I said. "Then I'll go pick you up, and we can spend the rest of the day together. How does that sound?"

"Okay," she said, rolling onto her back to look at the ceiling. "Why can't Esme take care of me like she always does?"

"Grandma Esme starts her new job tomorrow, Lacey," I reminded her. "She can't take care of you. I'm sure you'll love daycare. I heard they have lots of toys for you to play with, and all the people who work there are really nice."

"But you promise you'll come home early?" she asked me, still pouting. I ran my fingers through her hair.

"I promise."

After a moment's hesitation, she said, "Pinkie promise?"

My heart gave a painful clench as I linked my smallest finger with hers. "Pinkie promise."

I pulled myself out of her small bed and into a crouching position beside her. I pulled the covers over her small body and pushed her hair out of her face. She tucked her hands under her head, looking up at me through two thick sets of dark lashes.

"Momma," she said, "I hope I'm as beautiful as you someday."

I didn't know what to say. My mouth hung slightly open as her eyes closed.

"I love you," she managed groggily. "G'night."

I couldn't bring myself to move away from her. Slowly, her breaths steadied and her head rolled to rest on her shoulder. That was when I knew she was asleep.

Tears sprang to my eyes before I could help it. As beautiful as me? How could she say that? Lacey was the most gorgeous little girl I had ever seen. She needn't wish she was as beautiful as anyone. Even in sleep, she was simply angelic. Pale, porcelain skin, thick black hair… The majority of her features were my features, right down to the lopsided upper lip.

But her eyes… her eyes were the only physical difference. They weren't my eyes, no; they were _his _eyes. The same exact color, same exact shape, and the same exact fire behind them.

Even after all those years, it still pained me to look at them.

I pressed my lips gently to her forehead, a single one of my tears falling onto her face. I brushed it away with my fingertip.

"My baby," I whispered, a slight cry hitching in my throat. "Oh, Lacey… I hope you never know the pain of being _'_beautiful_' _like your mom…"

_You're better than me_, I added silently, for I couldn't trust myself to open my mouth without a loud sob emitting.

I hurried out of my daughter's room, closing the door behind me. I tried my best not to sink to my knees against the wall, but it was even harder dragging myself downstairs to the kitchen.

As always, I was disgusted with myself, but perhaps even more so than I'd ever been before. How would I have explained to Lacey that I was Bulimic? That wasn't a conversation I wanted to have, not something I wanted to expose her to…

The maternal roundness I'd tried to achieve had gone downhill. Nothing fit, nothing looked good… It was when Lacey was two - almost three - that I decided I needed to lose weight. I wanted her to have a mother she could be proud of, not one she had to pretend she didn't even know because of how awfully her gut hung over the side of her jeans.

Going to the gym didn't work. Dieting didn't work. Nothing seemed to work, and I was desperate.

Bulimia was like self injury. Once I started, I couldn't stop.

No one knew, of course. Carlisle regularly suspected it, but it was becoming easier and easier to laugh and blame it on something like stress from work.

Despite my poor self image, I was happier than I'd ever been in my entire life. Lacey was my light. She meant the world and more to me, my sweet little girl. The way she lit up every room she walked into was amazing. She always seemed much older than her age, despite her childlike innocence. I wanted nothing more to protect her, love her, and give her everything and more.

But it was hard when she asked for her dad. Though she made it clear that she loved me, and that she was happy with it being just the two of us… she did ask for her father more often than I would have liked.

Lacey went through an obsession with birds. It didn't last very long; a month or two. I remembered reading to her that if baby birds were touched by human hands, their parents wouldn't recognize their scent and, therefore, would not find them and take care of them.

"Momma?" she'd said tentatively. "What touched _us _that kept Daddy from coming back?"

It hadn't been an accusing statement, or even a sad one. She was merely confused in the way only a child could be.

I'd hugged her, and whispered softly in her ear, "Nothing, Lacey. Absolutely nothing. Humans… we don't work that way."

Even now, I was utterly unsatisfied with that answer, and I could tell she had been, too.

The last time she'd even mentioned her dad had been three months before. She'd asked for his name casually while I she was helping me make some cookies for her evening snack in the kitchen.

"I don't even remember, Lace." I avoided her piercing blue eyes by adding a few more chocolate chips to the batter. "Can you hand me the milk, please?"

But of course I remembered his name. It was impossible to forget.

Jasper Hale.

He was the reason Lacey was here, and, yet, he had nothing to do with her. It was his fault he left, wasn't it? His fault that he wasn't there to watch her grow up, to raise her alongside me.

He'd chosen to leave her; to leave _me_. He didn't deserve either of us, especially not her.

And yet… I couldn't help but hope that maybe someday…

No. Not today, not tomorrow, not someday, not any day. He'd never come look for us… for me. He cared little enough to leave, after all.

I finished scrubbing the hell out of the sink. I checked the clock again. Nearly five in the morning. I had to wake up at eight. No point in going to sleep then, was there?

I started toward the living room, stopping only to pick up a stuffed animal and toss it into Lacey's toy box. I nearly collapsed on the couch. Throwing up left me feeling dizzy and lightheaded. That was okay, though… three more pounds down and I'd hit my goal weight.

As always, the thought lead to a full blown argument with myself. There were times I wished I'd completely lost myself to the eating disorder. If that was the case, I wouldn't feel the guilt every time I threw up or skipped a meal. My morals wouldn't conflict with my actions.

I tried to distract myself by pulling all of my hair forward and starting to braid it. I'd kept my hair long - at least to my lower back - since I had Lacey. She liked playing with it more than I did. I tied the end of the long braid with a hair tie I always kept around my wrist.

Sixteen past five in the morning. I sighed. I should try to get some sleep. The bags under my eyes were simply awful, easily reminiscent of the ones I had all those years ago…

I didn't want to think about that. Those years were so far behind me. I wasn't, in any way, in contact with those years. I hadn't heard from my so-called family since the day my dad called, all those years ago, when I was still living in New York. My scars were completely faded. Only I could see them; I would always be able to see them.

I spent the next three hours watching early morning television. Sometime in the middle of an episode of _I Dream of Jeannie_, the alarm on my phone rang, telling me it was time to get ready.

I rolled right off the couch and onto the carpeted floor, stretching my body as much as I possibly could. I hopped to my feet and, after turning off the television, hurried upstairs.

My room was too large for me. My bed was too large for me. My bathroom was too large for me. Whether I was standing, sitting, or sleeping, I never took up a lot of space, meaning that the area around me was empty.

That was why I avoided sleeping in there. It felt too lonely. I preferred the couch most days; other times, Lacey would want me to sleep in her room. I didn't mind, of course. I liked going to sleep with her beside me; it made me feel safer.

I looked out the window as I brushed away the horrible taste of bile from my mouth. Our backyard faced a forest, the very same I'd seen through the far wall of glass in Carlisle and Esme's house. The sun was high over the treetops, casting its light on the thin river that separated the backyard from the woods. It looked like a clear day was ahead, something very rare for the Olympic Peninsula.

I didn't mind the sunshine; in fact, I quite liked it. It was always a treat when I could let Lacey run around outside without her sweater or an umbrella and raincoat. It just seemed as though the weather waited for me to barely get used to one thing before it threw another one at me.

I spit out mouthwash in the sink before hopping in the shower. I tried not to spend too much time just standing there, letting the water massage all the tension out of my body. Too soon, I decided I'd wasted enough time and stepped out, wrapping myself in a robe and hurrying to my closet.

I took a moment to stare at the jeans I had hanging on the door to my closet. Size one. I was a size five. Skipping a few meals wouldn't hurt…

I threw on an army green dress. After seeing at how awfully large my arms looked, I pulled a brown sweater with loose fitting sleeves on over it.

My hair always took a long time to dry, even with a blow dryer. I'd wasted a half an hour before I decided I'd just work on it later. Half past nine. Poor Lacey; I didn't like waking her up this early.

With my hair still hanging in damp clumps on my head, I made my way down the hall and into Lacey's room. She was still fast asleep, one hand clutching her necklace. How many times did I have to tell her not to wear it to bed? The clasp always got tangled in her hair.

"Lace," I whispered, gently shaking her. "Lacey, honey, it's time to get up."

Her eyes had barely opened a crack before she closed them again.

"I'm still tired," she yawned, burying her head in her pillow. I chuckled and pulled open her curtains.

"That's because you were up at four in the morning," I teased.

She sat up in bed and crossed her arms. "So were you, Momma."

_Don't remind me_, I sighed silently. "Come on, Lace. You need to get ready."

She sighed exasperatedly, but got up anyway.

"Go take a shower," I said, smiling. "I'll have breakfast ready when you're done."

"Alright," she groaned. "My hair is tangled, though. Can you help me?"

"Of course," I said, sitting on her bed and fumbling for the clasp. "How many times have I told you not to wear this to bed?"

"I don't know," she giggled. "A bazillion times."

"A bazillion?" I laughed. "Then you should have learned by now."

Lacey laughed. I bit down on my lip as I sent her off to take a shower.

"I'll have your clothes on your bed so you can change when you get out," I said. She kissed my cheek and hurried off.

Why was her laugh so much like his?

I went to the laundry room for two things: shoes, and Lacey's clothes. I hunted down her favorite outfit in the hopes it would make her feel better about having to go to a daycare, destroying many of the perfectly folded stacks of clothes I had atop the washer and dryer. After sliding on my brown heels, I walked back to Lacey's room and, after leaving her clothes spread out on her bed, went back downstairs to start breakfast.

I'd trained myself not to long for food. Therefore, I didn't have a problem when the smell of warm chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs attacked my nose. Even so, my mouth watered ever so slightly when the bacon hit the frying pan. _Just one piece wouldn't hurt…_

I shook away the desire, ignoring the rumbling of my stomach. Sure, bacon was good, but it couldn't beat the satisfaction of drinking three glasses of water for breakfast, right?

I was just putting a glass of milk on the table when Lacey came bouncing in, her black hair dripping water onto the floor.

"Lace, you're making a mess," I laughed. "I told you, use the towel to squeeze the water out of your hair before you go running around, a dripping mess!"

"I'm sorry, Momma," she said, taking a large gulp of milk before starting on her food. "It just smelled so good; I couldn't wait!"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "What am I going to do with you?"

Lacey shrugged and continued to eat. I sat down next to her and busied myself with cutting up her pancake for her. A bit of melted chocolate got on my finger. I chugged down half a glass of water and wiped it off on a napkin, silently fantasizing about eating chocolate again. What did it taste like? I could hardly remember.

Lacey was chewing her pancake slowly, watching me with careful eyes. "Momma, how come you're not eating?"

"I already ate," I lied, looking into my cup of water to avoid her eyes. "While you were getting dressed."

"You sure?" she asked in her sweet little voice. I smiled.

"Of course I'm sure," I said. "I think I'd know if I had breakfast or not."

She smiled easily, returning to her breakfast and quickly finishing the plate. I plopped a red apple into my bag; she'd probably want food again by the time we were in the car. Her metabolism was fast, and she was nearly always hungry. I thought it was kind of funny.

Esme disapproved of my yellow Porsche. She knew it was safe as long as Lacey was buckled securely into a car seat in the backseat, but she still tried to force a more "family friendly car" onto us.

"Mini vans aren't so bad, you know," she liked to argue.

I loved my car, so I wouldn't hear of it. Lacey liked it, too. She liked how she felt like she was in a race every time we got on the freeway, and she said yellow was her 'second favorite color.'

Lacey was quiet most of the drive. A few looks in my rearview mirror told me that she was busy twiddling her thumbs and taking fleeting looks out the window.

"Lace, hun, you alright?" I asked after her fourth sigh.

"I have butterflies in my tummy," she confessed to me.

"You're nervous, then, is that it?" I said, laughing to try and lift the tension.

"Nerrr-vusss," she sounded out. "Yeah. That's it."

"Well, what are you worried about?" I asked.

"There are gonna be other kids there," she said softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "What if they don't like me?"

"Lace, of course they'll like you," I gasped. "How could you think otherwise?"

Lacey shrugged and went back to staring out the window. I sighed and pulled into the parking lot of the daycare. I parked the car, undid my seatbelt, and turned around.

"Alright. You want the truth?"

She nodded quickly. "'Course I do, Momma. You said it's not nice to lie."

I smiled. "That I did." I ruffled her hair with one hand. "The truth is, Lacey, there's really nothing to dislike about you. I'm sure you'll make a lot of friends, and anyone who is mean or rude to you is plainly jealous." Obviously. They'd have to be. It was too hard to not love her. It was one of her best qualities. There were times even I was jealous of it. "You don't have anything to worry about. Besides, this is good practice for when you start school next year."

I winked at her and pulled the apple out of my purse, putting it into her hand. "You can start on that while I get you out of your car seat, alright? It might make your tummy feel a little better."

"M'kay," she said quietly. I heard the distinct crunch of her teeth sinking into the apple as I got out of the car. I went around the back and opened the passenger door, pulling the seat forward and unbuckling Lacey's seatbelt. I hoisted her out of the car and set her on her feet.

I locked the car, and a muffled whimper caught my attention. I looked down and Lacey had both of her arms outstretched upward, her hands opening in closing as her indicator that she wanted me to pick her up.

I shook my head in amusement and lifted her into my arms. She rested her head in the crook of my neck. I carried her into the daycare center where a short woman with curly red hair was sitting behind a desk.

She smiled warmly and instructed me to fill out both mine and Lacey's names on a form, as well as the time I dropped her off. I checked the clock. Ten past ten. I wrote that down.

"Most of our volunteers don't start until eleven," the lady told me. "And most of our kids aren't expected until around noon. That's why it's so quiet." She chuckled. "That's sure to change soon enough, though. It's never quiet here; not for long, anyway."

I smiled and set Lacey on her feet. "You be good, okay, Lace?" I said, absentmindedly fixing her hair.

"O…kay," she said, biting down on her lip. She threw her arms around me. "See you later, Momma."

I rubbed comforting circles into her back. "See you later. I love you."

"Love you, too."

The woman behind the counter, Michelle Newton, came around and took Lacey by the hand, leading her away. Lacey kept her head twisted around, looking at me. She waved a small, shaking hand at me, and I blew her a kiss. Mrs. Newton took her into a room and out of sight. I smiled sadly and left.

I felt like I was about to faint. That was normal. Two bottles of water didn't do the trick, so I stopped at a deli to buy a packet of saltine crackers to snack on before heading to work. I tried my best to ignore the numerous cafes I passed along the way.

Work wasn't really work; it didn't feel that way. I started a Seattle-based fashion magazine - _Chic _- two years ago, and we were the biggest thing since sliced bread. It was ridiculous in the best way possible. My name was printed on the cover and pages of every edition, crediting me as, not only the owner and producer of the magazine, but for the photos I took for spreads and articles.

Owning this increasingly popular magazine proved to be one of the best things that had ever happened to me. It ensured Lacey and I were always financially secure, and I could offer a helping hand to Bella and Edward, Carlisle and Esme, or even Rose and Emmett if they were to ever need it.

Ah, Rose and Emmett. I hadn't heard from them in a while.

"Morning, Lauren," I said, picking up the thick, black notebook that laid on her desk. She nodded up at me, and continued typing on her computer.

Lauren was one of my assistants. Her blonde hair was a failed boy cut that looked even worse as it grew. Poor girl. She came to work for me after the phony modeling offer had scammed her a few hundred dollars and made her cut off most of her hair. I stared disappointedly at the desk beside her.

"Bree not coming in today again?" I asked.

Lauren shook her head. I sighed. Bree was one of the first girls to come work for me once I started. She was sweet, but awfully frail. She'd been sick for a little under a week. I made a mental note to call and make sure she was okay.

I hurried into my office, leaving the black notebook on my desk and picking up my phone, dialing Rose's number. She and Emmett were somewhere in Scotland, still traveling. I hadn't seen them, or Bella and Edward (who still lived in the city), since I moved to Forks, though we'd kept in touch.

"Hello?" said the familiar voice on the other end.

"Hey, Rose," I said, turning my chair so I could face the window. Seattle was buzzing with morning excitement. The office across the street from mine seemed to be having a problem with their copy machine; it was shooting out papers nonstop, and a worker was trying hastily to fix the problem. "How've you guys been?"

"Oh, Alice!" she exclaimed. "We've been great! Scotland is beyond beautiful. The fashion here is amazing, if you know where to look. I'll try and see if I can send you a skirt or something; I just _know _you'd love it."

"That sounds great, Rose," I gasped, automatically wheeling around so I could check and see if I could find any Scottish fashions on my computer. "Glad to hear you guys are doing well. Have anything planned for the day?"

"Mhm. Emmett's taking me to this great restaurant. I'll tell you, Alice, the food here is just delicious. I can't get enough! I'm pretty sure I've gone up a jean size since we've been here." She giggled, and I forced a laugh. Rose could have gone up a hundred jean sizes and still looked wonderful. That was more than I could say for myself.

"I just looked up some clothes from Scotland," I told her, trying to ignore the rumbling in my stomach and picking up a cracker to munch on. "You're absolutely right; these are gorgeous. I might try and see if I can squeeze some of these in our next edition."

Rose laughed. "So, how are you doing, Alice? And Lacey?"

"We're great," I said. "Missing you guys, of course. Lacey's at daycare, otherwise I'm sure she'd be trying to rip the phone out of my hands."

"Ah, that's right; Esme's new job starts today," Rose said. "So easy to lose track of time when you're changing countries every second. That's why Lace is at daycare, yeah?"

"Yep," I said. "I wasn't about to leave her home alone, so I looked up some daycares and eventually just picked one. I told her I'd leave early, though, so we could spend the day together. She was nervous out of her mind when I dropped her off."

"Aw," Rose crooned. "You're a great mom, Alice. You really are."

I laughed slightly. "I try. How's Charlie, by the way?" Charlie was what Emmett named the shaggy little dog I'd seen on the streets in New York the night I went into labor. Of course, he'd taken him in. Emmett loved Charlie, even if Rose didn't… not so much, anyway.

"The same," she groaned. "Annoying as ever. I think he's starting to grow on me, though."

"That's a miracle." I laughed.

"Oh, I have to go," she huffed. "I forgot the roll of film I dropped off for developing was supposed to be ready a half hour ago."

"Yeah, I should probably go, too," I said, eyeing the black notebook on my desk and the open window on my computer that read _16 new messages_. "I still have all these articles to proofread and calls to return."

"I'll call you back later, alright?" Rose said. "Give Lacey our love."

"And give Emmett ours."

"Love you, hun. 'Bye, Alice."

"'Bye."

I snapped my phone shut and turned my attention to the black notebook. I flipped it open to the page I'd been working on the day before.

My eyes hurt from reading all that small print, my hands smudged with ink from all the corrections I was making in pen on the slick pages, after only a few hours. I checked the clock as I took a break from the notebook to answer a few emails. Barely half past noon. I wondered how Lacey was doing. Maybe I should've just brought her to work with me…

The rest of my day was filled with emails and phone calls; looking at skirts and making appointments. I was particularly looking forward to meeting a designer the next week to see the gown he'd designed exclusively for _Chic. _

There was a lot of tucking my hair behind my ears when it got in my face as I was trying to read, until I was finally so fed up with it that I just tied it all back into a messy ponytail. I missed my short hair. It wouldn't hurt to just get a few inches cut off, right?

At a quarter to three, I decided it was an appropriate time to leave early. I'd have liked to have left a lot sooner, but there was too much to be done for that to have been a rational decision.

I picked up my bag and the notebook, leaving it on Lauren's desk.

"I'm leaving early today," I informed her. "I'm sure you all can manage without me. If you need anything, you have my number."

She nodded curtly and moved to put the notebook in a drawer. I hurried out of the building and into my car, hoping I wouldn't hit any bad midday traffic.

The roads were about as empty as Seattle roads could be. Even so, I couldn't decide if it was time or traffic that was moving too slow.

When I finally arrived at the daycare, there was a noticeable difference in the atmosphere. It was loud, filled with the sounds of children laughing, talking, and screaming. The workers were easily distinguishable from the volunteers. Aside from looking well beyond their high school years, they were much calmer, as opposed to the teenage volunteers who ran around after kids screaming in frustration. I stifled a giggle behind my hand.

"Hello, Ms. Cullen," Michele Newton said from behind the desk. "Come to pick up your daughter?"

I nodded, smiling. "Yep. Where can I find her?"

"If you'll just follow me," she said, standing from her seat behind the desk and leading me to a room down the hall to a room with a door marked with a picture of a teddy bear.

Inside, there were about fifteen kids, all around Lacey's age. They were much calmer than the ones I saw in the hall, but they were still rather loud and excited.

"Lacey!" Mrs. Newton called out. "Lacey, your mother is here!"

Not long after, Lacey came bouncing forward with whiskers and a little pink nose painted onto her face. I laughed.

"What's this?" I asked, playfully touching her nose. She smiled.

"I'm a kitty, Momma!" she giggled. "See? _Meow._" She licked my cheek.

"Does this mean I'm going to have to feed you tuna from now on?" I joked.

Lacey shrugged. "Only until the paint comes off." She looked at Mrs. Newton pointedly. "The paint _will_ come off, right?"

Mrs. Newton chuckled. "Of course it will, dear."

Lacey nodded satisfactorily. "Momma, I made friends with one of the workers!" she said excitedly. "He's really nice! Wanna meet him?"

But she didn't wait for my answer. As soon as I got to my feet she started pulling me by the skirt of my dress, both of us laughing, to the far end of the room.

"He's the one who painted my whiskers and nose, Momma!" she giggled. "And he's right… over… there."

She pointed to a man who was crouched down, his back to us, next to two little boys. It looked like he was showing them a racecar of some sort.

I was frozen in place, my mouth gaping and my eyes wide. The man stood up and cleaned his hands on his jeans.

I knew who it was before he turned around.

Tall, muscular, honey blonde hair, a handsome face, and blue eyes that could kill.

He turned around when Lacey called his name. He smiled first at her, then turned his attention to me, and smiled again. But it was a different smile, a calculating one. Like he was trying to figure something out; like he was trying to remember.

"Look, this is my momma!" Lacey said, though I barely heard her, pulling at the man's pant leg to bring him forward. "Her name is Alice!"

I watched him as something clicked in his head, and flashed across his face. But he still wasn't convinced; I could tell by his eyes. He stretched out his arm, and I had to force my joints to move so I could shake his hand.

"Pleasure to meet you, Alice," he said. "I'm Jasper Hale."


	14. Chapter 14

Everyone looked like Alice to me.

The cashier at the grocery store with black hair, the girl at the park with a scar on the inside of her arm, the lady on my street with green eyes.

They all looked like Alice.

But they didn't look like her. No one's hair looked like hers: short, thick, spiky, and black as black could get. No one's eyes were as deep as hers: shades of green that reflected off one another, suffocating memories that would never fade.

Everyone looked like Alice, but none of them ever looked like Alice. None of them ever were Alice.

It took me a good two years to get my life together enough that seeing sugar didn't make my system scream with desire and the color green didn't make me want to cry. Even then, five years after rehab and five years after I forced myself to leave the only good thing that had ever entered my life, I wasn't the man I wish I could've been. The man she deserved. The man I was positive she'd moved on to.

It had been a while since I'd spoken to Peter, but when I called to see how he and Charlotte were doing, we talked as though no time had passed at all. I told him about how I sobered up, and he told me about the small town they were living in now. Forks. He said it was a good place. Rainy and kind of dark, but good.

"You're welcome to come live with us if the city's not treating you well anymore," he'd told me. "We have a guest room."

I didn't want to impose on my old friends, even though New York just wasn't the place I wanted to be anymore. Too many memories… too many awful, gut wrenching memories.

"You can work off your stay," Peter suggested when I said I couldn't support myself. "Charlotte owns a daycare, and she could use some extra hands. Being around kids might help you out."

Kids. To be honest, I'd never gotten the chance to really hang around kids enough to decide whether or not I liked them.

_Here's your chance to find out._

So I said yes, took him up on the offer. I packed up my things and moved to Forks, Washington. Population: ten and a couple of squirrels. It was a good place for starting over. It didn't help me forget, but it washed some of the pain away (quite literally - there was a lot of rain).

Some, but not all. All those years, and not a day went by that I didn't miss her, that I didn't want to hold her, that I didn't wonder how she was, what she was doing, that I didn't have to force myself not to go looking for her.

The job helped more than I thought it would. Kids. I had a thing for kids, I soon found out. They probably liked me more than I liked them, but that wasn't to say I didn't like them. They were different than anything I'd ever really experienced. Happy. Innocent little souls whose biggest worries in life were how they were going to choose between ice cream and cookies for their snack and if the kids at their kindergarten class would like them.

Charlotte informed me that a new girl, Lacey, would be joining the next day. I had experience with new kids. They gravitated toward me more than a lot of the other workers. I helped them fit in and have fun despite their initial worries. It was a funny thing, really. Jasper Hale, recovered drug addict and alcoholic working with kids. Rose would've laughed… not a day went by that I didn't think about her, too. My dear sister, how could I have fucked up everything we had, too?

Work started the same time everyday. Eleven o'clock sharp I walked in. There was Leah Clearwater, sitting on a chair reading the newspaper with a little girl, the only one of her age at the daycare at the time, looking scared and nervous beside her.

"_There_ you are!" Leah said, flinging the newspaper onto the counter and pulling off the teddy bear-printed apron she was wearing. "You _need_ to ask Charlotte if you can start coming in earlier. It's a real pain having to watch this room when you're not around."

But I wasn't looking at her. My eyes were on the girl. Lacey. It had to be her; I'd never seen her before.

She looked like Alice.

She looked like Alice from every angle. She was so much younger, she had no scars, no bruises on her neck, long hair, but she looked like Alice. The very same color hair, the same skin, the same hands, the same lips. She looked like Alice.

Except for her eyes. Her eyes were the only difference. Their shape was different, the emotions behind them were different, and the color was different. They were bluer than blue. As blue as my sister's eyes. As blue as my eyes. I caught my reflection in a small mirror on the counter, then looked back to Lacey. Our eyes were shaped exactly the same, as though they'd been crafted by the same hands.

But no. It couldn't be. There was no way.

Aside from the fact that it was the kind of impossible thing that was just always impossible, no exceptions, even I wasn't so unlucky that I would leave the perfect girl and she would have a perfect daughter. And that was another thing. Lacey was perfect. I could tell so much by simply talking to her for a few minutes. There was no way she could have anything to do with me, no way I could've helped create someone so beautiful.

Besides, from what I gathered, her last name was Cullen, not Brandon, and unless Alice had married, that wouldn't be so. Lacey didn't mention a father at all to me, though she hardly mentioned her mother, either. I was desperate to ask questions, find out if there was even a chance that Alice could be here, that Lacey could be mine…

But the more I thought it, the crazier it sounded. What was my life, anyway? A soap opera? A carefully written novel? Hardly. These things didn't happen, and especially not to people like me. It was impossible. It was nothing short of being impossible.

And then there she was, Lacey's mother.

And she looked like Alice.

Conveniently named, Alice Cullen had my Alice's eyes, her lips, her skin. Her hair was longer, however, and brown. She might've been taller than my Alice, but the high heeled shoes could have been tricking my eyes. Her hair covered her neck and as hard as I tried, I couldn't make out any bruises. I looked down to wear her wrist was exposed. My eyesight wasn't perfect, but I was almost certain there were no scars.

This couldn't be my Alice. Or could it?

_My Alice, _I scoffed to myself. _Right. She was never yours._

No ring on her finger. Highly possible she wasn't married, meaning it was highly possible that Cullen was her maiden name. Not Brandon.

She couldn't be, but she could be. She wasn't the same, but she was.

God, she looked like Alice.

**A/N: For anyone who didn't understand, the sugar thing was reference to Jasper's cocaine-addict years, and the color green… well, Alice's eyes.**

**Reviews are love.**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: If you've never seen Up (like the Pixar movie with the balloons and the house) before or you're not that big a fan of it, I suggest going to Youtube and looking up Married Life now just so that you're not confused later in the chapter :)**

My chest tightened. My knees buckled. My vision clouded. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't see.

I was only vaguely aware of the fact that I was still shaking his hand. As soon as my eyes registered the contact, I dropped his hand as though it'd burned me. And it had. His fingers still left those burning traces on my skin.

"Jasper's my best friend now, Momma," Lacey said, her small arms wrapping around his leg. "I _like_ daycare."

I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out. To avoid looking like a fish out of water, I bit down on my lip.

"Lacey is an absolute joy," Jasper said, his eyes not leaving my face. "She's wonderful, honestly… Are you married?"

From the look on his face, I could tell it wasn't something he'd meant to say. I swallowed and managed a slight cough, trying to make my voice work.

"No," I said, the word coming out as a bit of a croak. I cleared my throat. "No, never have been. Why do you ask?"

It came out harsher than I'd intended, but not as harsh as I so wanted to be. I wanted to scream, curse in his face, hit every single inch of him and make him feel all the pain he'd put me through. My eyes narrowed slightly as I bent to hoist Lacey up onto my hip. I didn't want her near him.

"Oh," Jasper said, his face flushing slightly. "I apologize. You just… you look so much like someone - someone I used to know. Her last name was different, though. But, still…" I hardly thought he was speaking to me anymore. The words sounded as though they were meant for himself, like he was thinking aloud. "Have we met before? I could swear - "

"Nope," I said, turning so sharply away from him that Lacey squirmed in surprise of the sudden movement. "I assure you, I have a _very_ good memory, and I don't recall _ever_ meeting a Jasper Hale. I'm - I - thank you for taking care of my daughter. Say goodbye, Lacey."

Lacey tried to get out of my arms, but I held her close to me as I started walking away. She twisted herself to the side and waved. I pressed her head down onto my shoulder.

"I'll see you both tomorrow, then!" Jasper called, just before the door closed behind me.

_Unlikely_, I said to myself.

"That wasn't very nice, Momma," Lacey said softly as I walked past the front desk and into the chilly Seattle air.

"Sorry, honey," I said too sweetly, reaching to open the car door. "I just - oh, I just didn't want to waste a lot of time, Lace. I want to spend as much of the day with you as I can."

Lacey smiled as I put her in her car seat, but it wasn't her usual smile. She could tell something was wrong, but she didn't press the matter. I got into the front seat and backed out of the parking lot.

"So," I said, shaking my head so that my hair covered the sides of my face. "What do you want to do?"

"Can we get ice cream?" she asked brightly. "And - and get some movies?"

I forced a smile into the rearview mirror.

"Of course, Lace," I said, turning the corner. "Anything for you."

My eyes fell onto the seat beside me at the sound of my phone vibrating. A familiar number glowed blue from the screen. Rose was calling.

How could I speak to her after what had just happened? How was I supposed to tell her I'd just come face to face with her brother? What would she think of me for running away like I did? Would she try to talk me into telling him Lacey was his? Would she come down here and force me to? I couldn't imagine confessing this to her.

I reached over with one hand and rejected the call.

"Who was it, Momma?" Lacey's innocent voice rang from the back seat.

"Oh, no one, honey," I lied. "Just someone from work. They can wait until later."

I watched her nod through the rearview mirror, then turned my head slightly, as though to look out the window. I brought my hair forward, truly grateful for the first time that I'd grown it out, to cover my face, and bit my lip as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"Come on, Momma," Lacey said. "Have some."

The spoonful of chocolate ice cream dangled in front of my face. A bit of it even dripped onto my hand. I wiped it away on an afghan, trying not to look at it.

"No, Lacey, it's alright," I said, pushing her small hand away as her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I've had enough already."

"But you haven't had _any_," she argued, putting the spoon in front of my mouth again. "It's real good."

How long had it been since I'd had ice cream? A little over a year? Two years? I couldn't remember. Just one spoonful wouldn't hurt, would it?

I opened my mouth, taking in heaven and the spoon on which it sat. It was like fireworks against a plain, black sky. How could I ever have given up such a holy flavor? I took the spoon from Lacey's mouth, reloaded it with ice cream, and devoured it. Lacey smiled and nestled back into my side, returning her attention to the colorful movie playing on the screen. I held the carton of ice cream with one hand and my spoon with the other. Every mouthful was nothing short of bliss.

Hours passed, and the only sounds in the room were Lacey's steady, sleepy breaths and the song from the end credits of _Lady and the Tramp_. My stomach wasn't growling for once, I noted as I placed the empty carton of ice cream back on the table. My eyes fluttered up to the clock. Half past midnight. How did I let it get so late?

I did my best to scoop Lacey into my arms without waking her. She stirred for a moment, then rested her head on my chest and went limp against me. I smiled and started up the stairs, heading to her room. I laid her into bed, and she curled into her covers effortlessly. I made my way out of her room, closing the door behind me.

As Bella Notte played in the background, I cleaned up the various bowls, cups, and utensils scattered on the living room table. After dropping them in the sink and vowing to wash them in the morning, I decided I could keep awake long enough to watch _Up_ one more time.

I popped the DVD in, and made my way to the bathroom for a roll of toilet paper to get me through the first few minutes. It was impossible for me to watch that movie without weeping, which was surprising. Movies never made me cry, especially not animated ones. Kudos, John Lasseter.

After collecting what seemed to be an adequate amount of toiler paper from the cupboard under the sink, I stood to go back to the living room. A sideways glance into the mirror, however, saw a ring of chocolate around my lips.

I dropped the toiler paper as my eyes began to water. What had I done?

I stood back and looked myself up and down in the mirror. It was as though the ice cream had already done its damage. Surely, my thighs hadn't been that disgustingly large in the morning. And my arms! Were they always so flabby? I let out a sob at the sight of my abdomen. How could a single person have so much fat?

Without a second thought, I bent over the sink and shoved my finger into my mouth. My eyes and face burned with tears as my nail hit the back of my throat, and I fought back a cough as my gag reflex began to work its magic. Brown liquid showered onto my hand, wet my arm, sprayed my sink, and dribbled down my chin.

I didn't stop to rinse my mouth or clean the mess. I kept going. The deeper my finger went, the more vomit that came out. There was more chocolate, the barely recognizable cracker pieces from earlier in the day, and then stomach acids that burned my throat. I didn't stop until everything was out, and all I could do was dry heave.

My body went limp against the counter as I turned on the faucet. The cold water washed away all the evidence from the sink. I splashed my face in hopes of erasing the mess from there, as well.

The mouth wash burned worse than the stomach acids had. I only swished it twice before I had to spit it out, practically choking on the strong mint flavor. My eyes were bloodshot, and my face, puffy from crying, looked even worse than usual.

I stood back again, as though I hoped to see an immediate improvement in my appearance after the purge. But there was nothing. No change had occurred in the ten minutes or so it took me to get rid of all the awful things I'd fed myself. I fell to the floor, hugged my knees to my chest, and buried my face in my hands.

_You did the right thing, you did the right thing, _I repeated to myself. _You didn't need that ice cream, Alice. You didn't need it. It wasn't even that good. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels…_

When I opened my eyes again, the sunshine pouring in through the bathroom window blinded me. Morning already? When had I fallen asleep?

My back cracked as I stood up from the bathroom floor, and my numb legs buckled beneath me. I steadied myself with the door handle, then headed back into the living room. Lacey was on the couch. A single tear balanced on the corner of her eye as the slower part of Married Life played from the television speakers. Ellie Fredrickson has just found out she was infertile. Lacey hated that part. She thought everyone should be able to have as many babies as they wanted, and it was so unfair that some people couldn't. I agreed.

"G'morning, Momma," she said, quickly wiping the tear from her face and stretching her arms out for a hug. I put on my bravest smile and squeezed her, looking over her shoulder at the clock on the wall. Eight in the morning. I should've been awake an hour ago.

"Sleep well, Lace?" I asked her, sitting down beside her as Carl and Ellie's life montage continued on the screen.

"Yup," she said, popping the 'p.' "But I was hearing these funny noises. It sounded like someone was really, really sick. They were kinda scary, Momma."

I held her closer to me. "It was just your imagination, sweetie."

Lacey shrugged and refocused her attention on the movie.

As the clock ticked on behind me, I realized that if I didn't start getting ready soon, I'd never make it to work on time. Looking down at Lacey, I knew I didn't want to leave her at the daycare again. I couldn't let her interact with… with _him_ more than she already had.

But what else could I do? I couldn't very well take her to work with me. There were very important clients visiting the office that day. Could I skip work if that was the case? One more look down at my daughter and I knew I had no other choice. Lacey was so sweet, so absolutely perfect. I wouldn't let _him_ go anywhere near her ever again. I wouldn't let _him_ mess her up like he did to me. I wouldn't let _him_ get between us.

I kissed Lacey on the head and made my way toward the kitchen. I dialed the office number, hoping Lauren would already be in to take the call.

"Alice Cullen, chief director of Chic magazine's office, where life is too short to wear a bad outfit. How may I help you?"

"Hey, Lauren," I said into the phone. "Listen, I need a favor. Can you get Jessica to cover the meeting with the clients today?" Jessica was my right-hand girl. Her personality could've done with some work, but she did the job better than anyone I'd ever seen. "I have some, er, important family matters to take care of."

"No problem," she said curtly. "Is that all?"

"That'll be it for now. Call me if anything's going on; I'll have my cell phone on me. Goodbye."

She hung up the call without a farewell. I rolled my eyes and peeked back into the living room.

"Hey, Lace," I said, pulling her attention from the movie. "How's a day at the park sound? "

Her face immediately lit up and she leaped from her seat on the couch. "Oh, Momma, really? Can I wear the new dress you bought me?"

I pretended to think it over. "Hmm. Well, it _is_ a nice day out today… Sure, why not?"

She squealed in joy and hurried upstairs. I heard her excited footsteps overhead as she dashed to her room. I shook my head and started for the laundry room for my work out clothes. Maybe running a couple miles would get me another pound closer to my goal weight.


	16. Chapter 16

The sun was shining. The air was filled with the excited screams of young children, wandering in and out of their parents' sight and calculating the way to run through a crowd of people and knock down as many things and people as possible. Lacey pulled me toward the swings. My head spun.

Lacey situated herself in one of the rickety seats and wrapped her arms around the chains that held it up. The swing set creaked menacingly as she twisted and giggled.

"Push me, Momma!" she exclaimed, kicking her shoes off and sending them flying into the sand. I forced a smile, trying to ignore the fact that there were suddenly two Laceys and two swings in front of me. I blinked rapidly to make the illusion go away.

"Whatever you say, baby girl," I said, getting behind her and tugging softly on her braid. "Ready to fly?"

She threw an ecstatic look back at me before turning around and bracing herself for the first push. "Ready!"

I sent her soaring. Lacey's squeals of delight drowned out my headache and the screaming kids. My girl was happy. That was all that mattered.

Lacey never got tired of the swings. Ever since I'd started taking her to the park, they were always her first and last stop. She liked feeling as though she were flying.

"It's like being in a plane," she'd told me once, "but without the tummy aches." Lacey never did enjoy planes. We'd gone to visit Emmett and Rose when they were living in Milan once. She got air sick thrice, one on the way there and twice on the way back. I pushed the thought of Rose to the back of my mind as my hands forced Lacey higher into the air. She'd called twice that morning and left a voicemail both times. My phone constantly vibrated to remind me. I planned to delete them without listening to them.

"Stop, Momma!" Lacey said as she always did when she deemed she was high enough. She liked putting the effort in once I got her started. Someday, that would translate into life. After all the years I help her along, she'll leave and help herself. She wouldn't need me to help her fly anymore. I smiled bitterly at the metaphor.

A gust of wind whooshed behind my back, and I turned to see a red haired woman running the track that circled the playground. I could hear her panting heavily even when she'd long passed me, but she made no move to stop or even slow down. Her waist was painfully tiny, her legs so thin and strong they might've been stalks of bamboo. My eyes gradually found her ass. I could've sobbed. That was _my_ ass. That was the ass _I _wanted.

My feet twitched inside my running shoes and my head seemed to twitch in response. I felt dizzy. I felt empty. I felt motivated.

"Lacey, honey!" I called to her as she whizzed over my head. "I'm gonna run around the playground, okay? Just around here." I motioned to the strip of black pavement surrounding the sand. "I won't go anywhere else. Just stop me if you need me. I'll see you."

Her feet dragged across the ground under her until she came to a stop. She leapt off the swing, propelling herself through the air until she came to a stop just inches away from my feet. She threw her arms around my hips. I was mortified when her hands didn't touch behind me. Had it always been that way? When had I gotten so wide?

"I love you, Momma," she said. "I'll be on the slides."

She ran off and was out of earshot within seconds. I called out, "Be careful!" anyway.

Without taking time to stretch for fear of losing to my aching head before I'd even begun, my feet hit the pavement and I began to run.

I pushed my legs, my fat, fat legs, as fast as they could take me. I felt as though I ran that small track eighty times in only the course of a minute. The wind bit at my face and turned my cheeks red, but I kept running. I was flying. My head throbbed.

I saw blonde out of the corner of my eye. I nearly stopped, but my legs had developed a mind of their own and kept pushing. I turned my head slightly, just to be sure it wasn't _him_.

It wasn't. It was an anonymous pale face atop which blonde hair formed a nest which was so like _his_. Except they weren't. No one could match _his_ curls, _his_ face, _his_ eyes. The throbbing in my head intensified. I kept running.

How could _he_ look so much the same after four years? How could not a single line on his face, not a single muscle have changed? The entirety of him which I had been so careful to memorize on that one night that now seemed lost in another dimension had stayed so perfectly, so completely, so horribly the same. Throb, throb, throb.

I wasn't seeing the trees, the playground equipment, or the people as I passed them. My surroundings were a blur. Not the blur you experience in a car when you're zooming past everything at sixty miles an hour. My legs stopped pushing. Everything was still a blur. The world was still spinning. Throb, throb, throb. My stomach lurched. I felt as though I was about to vomit.

_But I can't_, I thought eagerly to myself, _I have nothing to throw up. _Throb, throb, throb.

I remember Lacey's quiet voice growing louder as she asked what was wrong and the blur of the park giving way to darkness. The darkness gave way to a brief glimpse of Jasper's face, pulled from the depths of my memories. The legs who has so readily pushed me forward buckled. My head cracked against the ground. I was no longer flying.

Throb, throb, throb.

**A/N: I know it's been a while, but I'm alive and I'm back. I should also be sleeping. Oh, well...**

**Reviews are love. You guys know the drill.**


	17. Chapter 17

My consciousness was not greeted with sight. I knew I could've opened my eyes if I'd wanted to, but I didn't. I was so tired. I wanted to sleep.

I tried to slip back into whatever state I'd been in before, but my surroundings had made themselves too prominent. I didn't feel the hardness of the ground under me. My back rested on something soft and cushioned, like a bed. My forehead itched. I wanted to lift my hand to scratch it, but I didn't want to give away any signs of life. I just wanted to sleep.

A beeping noise intruded on my efforts. I felt my eyebrows come together as I recognized the sound. A quick whiff of the air proved my suspicions correct.

I was in a hospital room.

I always hated hospitals. I'd been admitted into them enough times to recoil at the sound of those stupid heart monitors, or the smell of the cheap, processed food they carry into patients' rooms.

I never trusted doctors. They called your family when all you needed was someone to stitch you up and make sure you didn't bleed to death, and they put you on medicine that doesn't work. I didn't want to sleep when I knew they were surrounding me. Hell, they work some devil magic in hospitals, so I'm sure they'd be able to tell I was awake, anyway.

I opened my eyes to find Lacey sleeping in the otherwise empty bed next to me. A sheet was pulled over her, and her small hands were tucked under her chin. Her hair covered half her face. I smiled. My little girl was so lovely, and, with her eyes closed, she bore no resemblance to _him_ whatsoever.

I wanted to turn my body. Laying on my back was never comfortable. I was too paranoid that I'd rip out the IV in my arm if I made any big movements. The most I could comfortably do was turn my head.

I hadn't managed to turn my head completely to the other side before a too familiar voice said, "Nurse! I need a nurse!"

What the hell was Jasper Hale doing by my side in a hospital?

I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn back time and force myself into a really, really deep sleep that I wouldn't wake up from until he was long gone. I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the surging pain in my head when I did so.

I heard him urging Lacey to wake up, and the sound of light footsteps coming into the room.

"She's awake," his voice said. "She turned her head and her eyes were open. She's awake."

"She's lucky not to have a concussion," a new voice said. "I'll check a few of her vitals. Her family just arrived. They're in the waiting room."

"I'll tell them she's alright," he said. "Can I leave Lacey in here?"

There was no vocal response, but I heard Jasper leave alone. Lacey's small hand found mine.

"Momma?"

My eyes opened to find her immediately. I tried not to cringe. They were so much like his.

"Hey, Lace," I whispered, giving her hand a quick squeeze. "How ya doing?"

She didn't answer me. Her mistrusting eyes followed the nurse, who was only checking my heart rate on the monitor.

"Lacey, it's okay," I assured her. "She knows what she's doing."

Her eyes came back to me, and a faint smile painted her lips. "You fell."

"Did I?" My fall seemed very much like a dream now, though the pain in my head served as a testimony for how real it'd truly been.

Lacey nodded. "You were running," she said quietly, "and you fell. Momma, there was lotsa blood…"

Her eyes turned back toward the door.

"Lacey, your family is here." It was his voice again. "Can she take a few visitors?"

The nurse spoke. "Sure thing." She came into my view. "You were really lucky. The doctor would like to speak to you about your current… condition. He's in a meeting now, but he'll be out soon." She left the room.

I wasn't concerned with her, or the doctor. I wanted to know why the hell Jasper was anywhere near Lacey and me, especially now.

"Lacey," I said softy, "do you know why Jasper is here?"

She nodded. "When you fell, I got your phone and pressed the green button. He answered."

I lifted my free hand to stroke her face. "Lacey, if anything like this ever happens, you call 9-1-1, okay? I thought we talked about this."

Her face grew hot under my fingers. Her eyes swelled with tears. "I-I know, I couldn't remember the number. I'm sorry, Momma." I wiped a tear away from her cheek.

"It's okay, hunny," I said. "Don't worry about it now. It's okay." I hesitated. "Go… find Grandma Esme for me, okay? Or your grandfather. One of them. Let them know everything's fine and that they can come visit me later. When was the last time you ate?"

Lacey shrugged. "Before we went to the park, I think."

"Okay, tell them to take you to find some food, alright? They'll be right outside the door."

I nodded encouragingly, but Lacey's hand didn't leave mine.

"Are you gonna be okay, Momma?" she asked me.

I smiled as best I could, and sat up just long enough to kiss her forehead.

"I'll be just fine." I interlocked my pinkie with hers. "I promise."

She squeezed my pinkie, smiled, and turned toward the door. She hesitated before turning back to kiss my cheek. "I love you, Momma."

By the time I said, "I love you, too," she'd already left the room.

"She moves like the wind, doesn't she?"

I froze. Was it too late to pretend to fall into a coma? Maybe just a little.

"Yeah," I muttered. "You can't blink without missing something with her." My words dripped venom. He'd missed everything with her.

He sat in the bed directly across from me, the one where Lacey had been sleeping. I didn't want to look at him. My eyes focused on the wall behind him. I wouldn't look at him.

"She called me after you fell," he said. "Well, she called the daycare. I answered. I called 9-1-1 and made it down to the park as fast as I could. She sounded terrified. I didn't want to leave her alone."

"Thank you," I said, coldly. "I'm sure she appreciated it."

He was silent. I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to meet his gaze. I heard footsteps enter the room.

"Ms. Cullen," the new voice, a male's, said, "it seems you had a rather nasty fall today."

I saw his green scrubs peeking out from under his white coat. A stethoscope dangled in front of my eyes as he walked toward a stool by my bed. I didn't want to talk to a doctor, but I wasn't exactly in a position to run.

"I'm Dr. Newton," he said, shaking hands with Jasper.

"Jasper Hale." My eyes betrayed me by flashing to him for a split second. My heart lurched.

"Are you her husband?" the doctor asked. I nearly vomited.

Jasper merely chuckled. "No, no. Just a friend." As though he'd heard my silent scoff, he corrected himself. "Well, more like a concerned acquaintance."

"Very well," the doctor said. "How are you feeling, Ms. Cullen?"

I managed a shrug. "My head really hurts."

"Well, that's to be expected," he said, taking a seat and examining his clipboard. "You fell pretty hard. Cracked your head open. There was a lot of blood." He reached over and felt around my temples with his fingertips. I tried not to scream.

"Does that hurt?" he asked.

I clenched my teeth. "Just a bit."

He made a few notes and mumbled things I couldn't understand. A couple of minutes passed before he looked back up at me.

"Ms. Cullen," he said, taking off his glasses. "I like to be called Alice," I said. Ms. Cullen was too formal.

"Alice, then," he continued, "we did some blood tests while you were unconscious, and we found your blood sugar to be extremely low. Have you been ill recently?"

"No."

"Hm, interesting." He made a few more notes, then reached into his pocket. He pulled out what looked like a popsicle stick, and a strange chrome device. He pushed a button on the top, and a small light turned on.

"Can you open your mouth for me, please?"

I did so reluctantly.

He forced the popsicle stick rather unforgiving into the back of my throat and shined the light into my mouth.

"Hmm." He squinted. "Mm, hmm." He pulled the popsicle stick out and discarded it into a nearby waste bin. The small light turned off and went back into his pocket.

"Ms. Cullen," he said, apparently forgetting my request to use my first name, "you have some pretty severe acid irritation in your throat. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

I hesitated, my eyes quickly flicking to Jasper. I knew where this was going to go.

"Leave," I said pointedly to him. "Now."

He was visibly taken aback by my demand. He stood from the bed without a word.

"Close the door on your way out, if you would be so kind." I tried to be somewhat polite, but my tone betrayed me. I heard a faint _click_ as the door closed.

Dr. Newton seemed just as confused by my sudden coldness toward Jasper, but said nothing of it. "Ms. Cullen, you're sure you haven't recently suffered from the flu, food poisoning, or any of the sort?"

"No." I knew he knew that this wasn't caused by something like the flu. I didn't want to admit it to him, but listening to him avoid it wasn't going to be particularly pleasant either.

"Ms. Cullen, I'm afraid I must ask… do you suffer from some kind of disordered eating?"

I looked away from him and clenched my jaw. I didn't want to say yes. I didn't want him to try to help me, to give me medication or keep me in the hospital so they could monitor me. I didn't want to be sent to a nutritionist or a psychologist or anyone. I was fine. I didn't deserve to eat. And, besides, I had Lacey and my business to worry about. I couldn't spend time away from that, especially not my daughter. I stayed quiet.

"Your throat is not only irritated, but scarred in several places. Your blood sugar is dangerously low, and other tests indicate that your body is attacking itself for vital nutrients. These are symptoms that often indicate a patient is suffering from a severe eating disorder."

Dr. Newton moved his chair closer to me. I leaned away. He smelled like sickness.

"Bulimia and anorexia nervosa are diseases, Ms. Cullen," he said in that awful, _understanding _tone doctors like to use to try and appease you. "They can be fatal if not treated, just like any other illness."

I refused to say anything. I kept looking straight ahead. I couldn't even see him out of the corner of my eye. I focused on counting the tiles in the wall.

"You have a daughter." The words infiltrated my ears like icy ghosts. "This hurts her, too. Children are interesting, in that they realize a lot of things but only fully understand a handful of them. Their understanding does go far enough, however, to differentiate between the good and the bad. What is your daughter's name, Ms. Cullen."

"Lacey." Her name left my lips as nothing more than air. I couldn't even hear myself.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Lacey," I said. I felt as though her name shook the room just as it shook my voice. I always said to myself that my skipping meals and forcing the little I did eat out did nothing but help Lacey. It made her mommy beautiful. That way, when she started school in the fall, her friends wouldn't make fun of her for having a fat, ugly, disgusting mother. I always ignored the very real possibility that my methods were dangerous to both of us.

"Ms. Cullen, I think Lacey would want you to get help. I don't think she wants to see her mother's body cannibalize itself."

"She doesn't even know what that means," I said hysterically. What did it matter if she didn't know what that meant? Just like the doctor had said. She understands what's good and what's bad. She wouldn't see this like I did. She wouldn't understand that her mommy was just trying to be pretty. She wouldn't understand that not all people are born beautiful like her. She wouldn't understand that her mommy wanted to be beautiful.

_"Momma," _she'd said, _"I hope I'm as beautiful as you someday."_

She wouldn't understand that I wanted to be as beautiful as her. She wouldn't understand that I wasn't beautiful, and that I kept trying to be even though I knew it would never amount to anything.

"I know you want what's best for her," the doctor said. "Alice, you are dramatically underweight. With the low amount of body fat you have, it's truly a miracle you weren't hospitalized sooner."

Low body fat? Whose charts was he looking at?

"A woman your age and height should weight anywhere from one hundred twenty to one hundred forty pounds, depending on build. You're only one hundred."

One hundred? How was that possible? I could've sworn I was ninety-five pounds. If I had the chance, I would've shoved my entire hand into the back of my throat right then and there.

"Alice, this could kill you at any moment," he continued. "You need to understand this."

I hadn't noticed I was crying until Dr. Newton pulled a handful of tissues out of his pocket and handed them to me. I didn't take them.

"Think of your daughter," he said quietly. "Think of Lacey."

I couldn't have choked back the sob that followed if I'd tried with all my might. I collapsed back onto the bed, suddenly feeling as though my body could no longer support itself. I looked down at my arm. How long had my skin clung to my bones like that?

"We can get you help, Ms. Cullen," Dr. Newton said. "We can send you to a nutritionist who can put you on a diet to help you gain back the weight you need so your body can begin to function normally again."

I could only nod. I didn't know if I was relieved or angry. I should have been relieved, I know. I was going to get better. I wasn't going to die from this and leave Lacey alone.

But I was so upset. I'd spent so long doing this to myself, losing the weight, trying to be thin and beautiful like the girls we photographed for _Chic. _All that was going to be undone. I'd get fat again.

_Not fat_, I tried to convince myself. _Healthy. You'll be healthy again._

That would take some getting used to.

The door creaked open. I forced myself into an upright sitting position. A fake smile plastered itself onto my face.

Esme peeked into the room. "Hey, there, sweetie," she said, immediately coming to my bedside when she saw I was awake. She sat on the bed next to me and took my hand. "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Esme, I'm fine," I said. "Where's Carlisle? And Lacey?"

"He took her to get something to eat," she said. "And I think he said something about checking on one of his patients, too." She laughed. "I can never stop that man from working."

I looked more carefully at the room I was in. I suddenly noticed the peach colored walls. This was the hospital Carlisle worked at. How could I have missed it?

A nurse entered the room, different from the one who had originally attended me. "Doctor, I think it's about time to change her bandages."

"Ah, yes," Dr. Newton said. "Just as well. I've got a few calls to make. Ms. Cullen, do get some rest. I'm afraid you'll be staying with us for a few days. I'll arrange for some food to be brought to you."

I grimaced. Food.

"Good day, Esme. Ms. Cullen." He left the room without another word. I couldn't believe he hadn't ratted me out. Either he was a really good person, or the other doctors I'd been to were awful.

"Oh, Alice, we were so scared for you!" Esme cried, kissing both my cheeks as the nurse began to unwind the bandages that covered my head. I was finally able to scratch my forehead. A tear of blood trickled down the side of my face. I gulped.

"When the hospital called, we were so worried." Esme's cheeks turned red. She looked like she was about to cry. "Thank goodness you're alright!"

"Yeah, Esme, I'm fine. I just - "

"Excuse me."

Jasper was standing in the doorway. He nearly took a step forward, but held himself back as though he was afraid I'd ask him to leave again.

"Carlisle is checking with a few of his patients and Lacey is really tired. I'd like to take her home, if you'll let me," he said.

"I'm sure that's fine," Esme said at the same time that I said, "Absolutely not."

Jasper looked at the two of us, confused, not sure who to listen to.

"I'm sure that's fine," Esme said again. I looked at her, ready to protest. "Alice, it's three in the morning. Lacey's tired, and she's so young. Her immune system isn't fit to be around all this sickness."

Three in the morning? When did that happen?

"I - " How could I argue against that? Of course she was tired, and did I really want her to catch whatever diseases were crawling around the hospital? God, but did I want her to have that much interaction with Jasper? No. Of course not.

"Esme, I really don't think it's a good idea," I insisted. I couldn't have Lacey anywhere near him, not if I could help it.

"Don't listen to her, Jasper, was it?" Esme said. "Of course Lacey should get some sleep. Alice, I'll personally pick her up and bring her back to the hospital once she's gotten a good nine hours or so of rest. Good? Good."

"I don't have a key to my house," I said bitterly. "Sorry."

"Jasper can take her to his house," Esme said. "Can't you, Jasper?"

He bit his lip. "Well, only if it's okay with Alice. I don't want to overstep any boundaries."

"Good," I hissed. The nurse stepped away from me, throwing away the bloody bandages.

"Ms. Cullen, if I may say something," she said, "I've seen plenty of kids get dreadfully ill from staying in hospitals overnight. I think it's best she goes with your friend."

My mind was made up for me.

"Fine."

"Great, so, Jasper, if you can go find Lacey and bring her here so Alice can say goodnight, that would be wonderful," Esme said, smiling kindly - too kindly - at him.

"Will do, Mrs. Cullen," he said, not looking at me. "Excuse me."

He bowed out of the room. The nurse soon followed.

"He's cute," Esme said, smirking as she retook her seat by me. "Where'd you pick him up?"

"Esme, please," I said. I felt sick. "It's not like that."

"Okay," she said in a way that made me feel like she was not about to drop the subject. "Well, if there's one thing I know, it's that Lacey could use a father. She loves him already, from what I've seen. I'd consider it, Alice."

I wouldn't.

**A/N: Hey, there, everyone. So, Alice was pretty quick in realizing that she needed help. I mean, once Lacey came into question, she really had no other choice. **

**It isn't that easy for some people, and I know that. But, please, if you're reading this and you struggle with any kind of eating disorder, self injury, drug abuse, or any destructive behavior, I am urging you to get help. Tell someone. Tell someone you care about, someone who cares about you. An adult, a friend, a parent, a family member, a professional. Tell someone. That's the most important step. That's realizing that you need help and reaching out for it. **

**Please, I'm begging you. You are so loved, so wonderful, so worth being happy and healthy. Don't let your problems define you. Get help. You can move on from this. I promise you can. If you don't believe in yourself, know that I believe in you. I know how hard it can be, but I also know how worth it getting better is. You're not alone, and you're not going to give up.**

**xoxo,**

**April**


	18. Chapter 18

After Esme left, I closed my eyes, hoping only to feign sleep until the nurse who was supposed to bring me food came and left without forcing me to eat. I ended up dozing off with the pain from my fall still pounding in my skull.

When I woke in the morning, a tray of food was waiting for me. Some kind of meat, mashed potatoes, macaroni, and jell-o. I grimaced and pushed it aside, favoring more sleep to the cold plate of carbs.

"Good morning, Ms. Cullen," a nurse said, different than those who'd attended to me the night before. My eyes opened. So much for sleep.

"G'morning," I muttered. "Do you know what time it is?" "Yes, it's just after ten," she answered.

"Ten?" I made a quick movement to get out of the hospital bed that made my head spin and forced me to fall back onto my pillow. "Where's my purse? My phone? I need to call work."

"I don't believe any of your personal belongings are here, Ms. Cullen," she said as she studied the monitors I was hooked up to and wrote down notes on a clipboard. "I can double check for you, but we usually keep any bags or purses with the patient."

"Yes, double check, please," I said. We had a huge photo shoot at work that I was missing. I hadn't left any notes on the direction of the shoot, so of course it was all going to shit without me. Not only that, but all my credit cards were in that purse, and my driver's license. I grimaced at the thought of having to cancel them and apply for new ones.

The nurse reentered the room a few minutes later. "I'm sorry, Ms. Cullen," she said. "Your purse wasn't brought with you to the hospital. You can come use a payphone, if you'd like."

"That would be great," I said. I made a move to stand up.

"Wait, Ms. Cullen, we have to get a wheelchair for you," the nurse said, placing her hand on my shoulder to push me back onto the bed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, immediately annoyed. "I can walk."

"I'm sorry, but the fall affected key parts of your brain that alter your balance," she explained. "It's not permanent, but for at least a few days you're not going to be able to walk very well."

I frowned at her. She shrugged apologetically and went into the next room. She came back with a wheelchair.

"Let me help you," she said, taking my arm.

I shook her off. "I think I can take two steps."

As I put my feet down on the floor, I realized I'd miscalculated the distance from the bed to the ground. I stepped too far, tripped, and nearly fell over. The nurse caught me and helped me into the wheelchair.

"You said it's not permanent, right?" I asked, my brows furrowed in defeat.

She laughed. "No, no. Once the healing process is completely finished, you should be back to normal."

"Should be?"

"In very rare cases, patients continue to experience extremely slight balance issues," she said, "but it's not severe enough to be considered an impairment."

She wheeled me out into the waiting room and up to a set of three pay phones. I reached up for the phone.

"Um…" My ears were greeted with silence. "You don't happen to have a quarter, do you?" I asked the nurse.

She chuckled, then reached over a punched a series of numbers into the phone. The dial stone sprung to life.

"Wow, thanks," I muttered.

"Any time," she said. "I'll be right over at the desk. Signal me when you're ready."

I nodded and dialed the phone number for work.

"_Chic Magazine_, this is Lauren, how can I help you?"

"Lauren, hey," I said, less than enthusiastically. Where was Bree when you needed her? "It's me, Alice."

"Alice," she said, her voice turning into a hurried whisper. "Where _are_ you? I'm getting a dozen calls a minute from the shoot asking about you."

"Shit, that's what I was afraid of," I muttered. "Okay, I can't come into work today. Call them, tell everyone I'm so sorry, but I had an accident and I'm stuck at a hospital until further notice. Cancel all my appointments for the next couple of days."

"But our next issue is due for printing by Friday," she said. "How are we supposed to meet our deadline like this?"

"Isn't Bree there?" I asked. I felt my face getting hot. The deadline was Friday. How could I have forgotten? "She has all my notes and all the information for a last-minute issue."

"She hasn't come into work all week," Lauren said. "She called yesterday, said there was some kind of emergency and she wouldn't be around for a while."

"Can you go to her house and get the notes?" I started to rub my temple, but a sharp pain retaliated and I dropped my hand. "Or send someone to get them?"

"Um, yeah, I can send one of the interns," she said. _Why can't you just do it?_ I asked silently.

"That's fine," I said. "That'll give you all you need. I don't have my cell phone with me anymore, so you can't call me there. I'm going to try to get a computer so I can at least check my email. Forward all my contacts there for now, okay?"

"Will do," Lauren said.

"That's it for now," I said. "I'll call if anything changes. Bye, Lauren."

There was a click at the other end, and then the dial tone again. I dialed Esme's number.

"Hello?" She answered on the first ring.

"Hey, Esme, it's me," I said. "Have you picked up Lacey yet?"

"I'm on my way now," she answered. My heart raced angrily as I thought of her spending the night with Jasper. He didn't deserve her. I should've just kept her with me. "How are you? Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Esme," I said. "Just bring her here as soon as you can, okay? And ask… Jasper," I had to force his name out, "if he just happened to grab my purse from the park when they brought me to the hospital."

"I will," she said. "We'll be there soon, okay? Bye, Alice."

"Bye."

I hung up and turned toward the desk where my nurse was waiting. She immediately walked over and started pushing me toward my room.

"Thanks," I said.

"No problem, Ms. Cullen," she said. "I'm just here to help."

That place really disproved my preconceived notions of doctors and hospitals. I'd never been somewhere where the staff was so nice and willing to help.

She helped me back into the hospital bed and left the wheelchair against the wall.

"Were you able to get everything in order?" she asked as she hooked me back up to the machines.

I nodded. "Yeah, it was just a lot of work stuff," I said. "I hadn't exactly anticipated to be off duty for very long."

"Ouch, that's gotta be rough," she said. "What do you do?"

"I'm the head of _Chic Magazine_," I said, rather proudly. I loved my business. The nurse looked at me with wide eyes.

"You're _that_ Alice Cullen?" she asked.

I blushed. I hadn't anticipated that reaction. "Yep, that's me."

"I absolutely adore _Chic_!" she said. "I've been reading it since I moved to Seattle. Oh, gosh, I feel like I'm meeting an idol."

"Well, um, I'm glad you like it!" I said.

"It's a complete breakthrough in the world of fashion journalism," she said, turning back to the machines. "Trust me, Ms. Cullen, we'll have you healthy and out of here in no time. Can't keep your business waiting, can we?"

I laughed. "Only if it's no trouble."

"No trouble at all, honestly," she said. "That's our job." She picked up the tray of cold food. "Disgusting, isn't it? It's bad when it's warm. I can't imagine stomaching it cold. I'll see if I can find something better for you, alright?" "Really, you don't have to," I said. There was an empty pit in my stomach and, despite the conversation I'd had with Dr. Newton, I wanted it to stay that way.

"It's no trouble, Ms. Cullen," she said, already walking toward the door. "It's my job."

She was gone before I could protest further. I slumped back into my bed and turned on the television so I could distract myself until Esme showed up with Lacey.

A different nurse came in with a plate of food - hot food - and set it by my bed. She smiled at me, and left without another word. The plate looked much more appetizing. I didn't know hospitals served sandwiches that looked so good. Despite my stomach's insistence, I left it untouched. _The Big Bang Theory _was much more entertaining than stuffing my face with food.

Three episodes later, I heard the pitter patter of a familiar pair of footsteps heading for my room.

"Momma!"

Lacey ran to my side and threw her arms around me. I jumped, but immediately scooped her up into my lap and held her tightly. When she pulled back, I saw that there was a blue surgical mask over her mouth.

"What's this?" I asked, snapping the elastic on the side and laughing. Lacey giggled.

"Grandma Esme made me put it on," she explained. "She said it'd keep the sickies away."

"She did?" I squeezed her tightly. "What a smart thing to do. Where is Grandma Esme, anyway?"

"She had to go to work," Lacey said. "Jasper brought me!"

She hopped out of my lap and ran to the door. I froze. Why why why why _why _was this happening to me?

Lacey pulled Jasper into the room. I refused to look at him.

"Hey, Alice," he said sheepishly. "Sorry. Esme asked if I could bring her and I couldn't say no. I did tell Lacey to leave me in the waiting room." I saw him eye her playfully. She giggled. I crossed my arms.

"But Momma likes you, Jasper!" Lacey exclaimed. "Don't you, Momma?"

I turned to him and forced the nastiest smile I could manage. "Of course," I said. My words dripped like poisoned honey. I saw him shift uncomfortably. The sight made me chuckle.

"Lacey, honey, why don't you come sit here by me?"

She smiled and ran back to me. She climbed onto the bed and curled into my side.

"Jasper," she said, "you can sit here!" She motioned to the chair by my bed.

"Um, I'm just going to go back to the waiting room, Lace," Jasper said. My eyes narrowed. I hated hearing him say her name. What gave him the right?

"Yes," I said coldly. "You do that."

"No, Jasper!" Lacey said, her adorable eyes widening. "Stay. It's okay." She looked to me. "Right, Momma?"

Those eyes. I could never resist those eyes. Why did I have to be such a pushover? "Yeah." I sighed. "It's fine."

Jasper sat in the chair next to my bed, but I could tell he was anything but comfortable.

_Good._

"Oh, Alice, I just remembered," he said. "I grabbed your bag before I drove Lacey to the hospital yesterday. I left it in my car last night. My bad." He handed it to me. I hadn't even noticed he'd had it with him.

"Yeah, your bad," I said quietly, taking the bag. "Thanks. I was worried." I pulled out my phone and sent an email to Lauren telling her I could take her calls. I noticed thirty new emails. Lacey took the remote out of my lap and started flipping through the channels while I scrolled through my emails. Jasper sat in silence.

"Look, look!" Lacey said suddenly, shaking my shoulder and making Jasper look up. "Look, it's _Princess and the Frog_!" She sat forward and rested her head on her hands.

"When did you watch _Princess and the Frog_, Lace?" I asked. We were watching all the Disney Princess movies together, in order. We were barely on _Aladdin_.

"I saw it at the daycare!" she answered excitedly. "Remember, Jasper? You taught me to dance like Tiana!"

Jasper chuckled uneasily. "Oh, yeah," he said. "Of course I remember."

I scowled and pretended to look back at my emails. I just wanted to hit him. He had to right to barge into my life like this, no right to create a relationship with my daughter - _mine_, not ours, _mine _-when he'd been absent from both of our lives for so long. I had to find a different daycare for Lacey. I couldn't let her get close to him. He'd only hurt her, just like he hurt me.

"_Look how she lights up da sky_," Lacey sang quietly. "_Ma belle Evangeline._"

I saw Jasper smile at her from the corner of my eye. Lacey was too enthralled by the movie to notice. I wanted to cry.

"Jasper, I think you should go." My voice was choked up, but I had to get it out. I didn't want him there.

"Are - are you sure?" he asked. "Esme told me to wait here with Lacey until - "

"I'm sure," I said, trying to tone down the sharpness in my voice. "Just… I just think it's better if you get back to work."

"It's my day off," he said. "Really, it's no trouble - "

"Jasper," I cut him off. "Go."

He closed his mouth and his eyes grew sad. He stood up to leave.

"No, Jasper!" Lacey hopped off the bed and hurried to hug his leg. "Don't go."

"No, kiddo, it's okay," he said. He looked up at me. "Your mom's right. I should… go. To work, or something. I should go."

I could see Lacey's lips slip into a pout. He crouched down to her level.

"It's okay, Lace," he said. "We'll see each other real soon, alright? I'll still be at the daycare when you go back."

She smiled and hugged him around the neck. Jasper hesitated. I looked away so I wouldn't have to see him hug her back.

He straightened up. "Catch ya later, Lace," he said. Just before he walked out the door, I caught a whispered, "Bye, Alice." I didn't say anything.

"Come here, Lacey." I put my phone away and stretch my arms out toward her. "Let's finish watching the movie, okay? You'll like this scene. It's my favorite."

She wasn't looking at the screen or moving toward the bed. Lacey looked up at me with sad, confused eyes. Her cheeks were red.

"You don't like him," she said softly.

I sighed. Could I beat around the bush any longer? "No, I don't, honey. Come here."

She moved this time. She let me pick her up and sit her down on the bed so she was facing me.

"I don't want you being friends with Jasper, Lace," I said. "I - he's not the kind of friend you want, okay? Trust me. Please."

I was trying not to cry. I was trying not to say, "He abandoned us once. I don't want to give him the chance to do it again." A single tear fell down my cheek. Lacey wiped it away.

"I trust you, Momma," she said. She curled back into my side, facing the TV. "I love you."

I stroked her hair. "I love you, too, sweetie. More than you'll ever, ever know."

I felt her steady heart beat and her warm breath on my neck. I was suddenly aware of how little there was between the hospital gown and my ribs. I must not have made a very comfy pillow.

I gulped and looked toward the side of my bed where the sandwich, a carton of orange juice, and a scoop of green gelatin were waiting. I took my hand away from Lacey for a moment to pick up the sandwich.

"Whatcha doin', Momma?" Lacey asked me, looking over her shoulder to see what I was reaching for. I held up the sandwich.

"Oh, nothing," I said. "I'm just hungry."

She smiled at me, rested her head back into the crook of my neck, and returned her attention to the movie. I took a bite out of the sandwich and, using all my willpower, chewed and swallowed. I took a second bite and repeated the process.

I felt the lumps of food drop down into my empty stomach. It felt like the grand canyon was collapsing in on itself. It was hard to enjoy.

That is, it was hard to enjoy until I looked down. My sweet little daughter. Lacey was smiling and laughing and singing along to the songs that played on the screen. If eating a sandwich every now and then meant I could stick around to enjoy watching her smile and laugh for a long time, I'd do it. I'd eat a thousand sandwiches, a million globs of jell-o, and drink a billion cartons of orange juice. If it would let me be there for her for as long as possible, I'd do it.

I looked away from the screen for a moment when a movement caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. Dr. Newton stood in the doorway, his clipboard in hand. He smiled.

I smiled back.

**A/N: Look who's back :D I've officially updated all the stories that needed updating, and plan to continue doing so. I will NOT abandon you guys again, I promise! I love writing so much, and it's given me such an amazing high over the last few days. I couldn't give it up again if I tried.**

**Head on over to Unsinkable and You Know My Heart if you enjoy those stories too :) They have fresh, shiny new chapters all for you!  
**

**Thanks to everyone who is still here after this handful of years that's gone by. You guys mean the world to me, as do these stories and these characters.  
**

**Reviews are love, as they always have been :)  
**

**xoxo, April  
**


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